and And his mother kept all these things in her heart. Luke 2:19

This weekend I went to the Bethany Retreat House for a retreat on She said yes: Rediscovering God’s Loving Will, led by Father Arturo Merriman. It was a beautiful weekend and I finally felt like I was entering a new dawn where the aridity and silence of God didn’t seem so desolating. I don’t feel empty anymore.

The retreat weekend was based on Lectio Divina and Father Merriman had us focus on specific situations in the life of Mary from Mary’s perspective. So of course, for me, the reading that stuck out was the Finding of the Child Jesus in the Temple. The reason this stuck out is because Mary, after having lost Jesus, scripture tells us she had great anxiety.

Son, why have you treated us so?Behold, your father and I have been looking for you anxiously. Luke 2:48

Have you ever experienced great anxiety? Especially when it comes to your children? Or perhaps you read the headlines and you lose sleep at night. Maybe a Bishop has taken away your worship and sent you into despair and anxiety over the banning of something good, true and beautiful in a world that has already lost so much of that.

What are we to do when these things happen? We should take a look at Mary and what Jesus taught her that day in the Temple. Can you relate to Mary’s anxiety?

In the translation I have (The Great Adventure Bible RSV), Jesus asks her a question this way;

How is it that you sought me? Luke 2:49

And if you look earlier in the passage it tells us;

they sought him among their kinsfolk and acquaintances. Luke 2:44

It goes on further to state;

and when they did not find him they returned to Jerusalem. Luke 2:45

We know that Mary did not sin, so seeking him by going to the relatives and acquaintances is not a bad thing, but Jesus seems to be directing her elsewhere;

Did you not know that I must be in my Father’s house? Luke 2:49

Mary’s response is to keep all these things in her heart.

As I was reading this I thought about my own life and the times I get anxious. I often run to friends or relatives to talk about my anxiety. Sometimes for me this can cross into gossip and sin. The anxiety ends up growing larger. And while Mary literally found Jesus in the Temple, there is an underlying message Jesus is giving here.

Do you not know that you are God’s Temple? 1 Corinthians 3:16

Have we taken our anxiety to prayer. Have we let the Lord into the deepest recesses of our hearts. I know I sometimes get off track. Prayer is the very first place we should go when we find ourselves anxious. We should let the Lord examine the deepest parts of the heart.

The Priest who led the retreat, Fr Merriman, told us we have to be real with everything we tell the Lord. He said Mary let Jesus know of her desire for her friends not to run out of wine at the wedding at Cana, and then left it to Him to figure out. She didn’t go fretting to her friends in this situation about the lack of wine.

I have often felt like I am not doing God’s will or felt conflicted as to what His will may be in certain situations. Father Merriman told me just to make a list of my desires. Not a list of what I think God desires, but a list of my desires. He said I was then to bring those desires before the Lord and work them out with Him one by one. He assured me that if a desire was bad, the Lord would let me know.

This exercise was very freeing. I wrote down a whopping 5 pages of desires. I realized that even though I have taught everyone to be so open with God, that many of my anxieties, even about my own children, come from a false idea of what I think God wants or how a good Christian should be. When I was able to speak my own desires and own them as my own, the Lord was able to do great work in me because the deepest parts of my soul and heart were laid bare. I could see more clearly how He wants to mold me in love and how best to love my children. I could even hand my children over to God so much more easily when I made myself more vulnerable.

God made Himself vulnerable to us and still does every day in the Eucharist. To be vulnerable is to be childlike. This is how we should seek Him. This is where we will find Him.

God Bless all of you.

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