Pouring Love

Pouring Love

My boys kissing their little sister on the head.  2010 – Delaware

But when the kindness and generous love of God our savior appeared, not because of any righteous deeds we had done but because of his mercy, he saved us through the bath of rebirth and renewal by the holy Spirit, whom he richly poured out on us through Jesus Christ our savior… Titus 3:4-6

I have been struggling a lot recently feeling the weight and attack from all sides.  I am raising two teenage boys, and a tween daughter and there are days I feel defeated.  Like I am battling the entire world by myself.  And then God reminds me I have a Savior.

He reminds me that this entire walk is about surrendering all to Him and letting Him be in control.  And that for me, my job when I surrender, is to be filled up with his love and bring that love into the world.

So today I was in prayer lamenting about how the world barrages my children with everything that is anti-God.   From the confusion of who they are supposed to be, to the sexualization of absolutely everything, I felt in an abyss. I felt I am fighting a fight that I can’t win because of the unGodliness is everywhere.  I cannot possibly stop all of it, even though I am trying my hardest.  I felt in a pit.  I want for nothing more than my children to be Godly and there are just some days I feel I am losing the battle because they are bombarded with just so much stuff.  I am not enough.

But God was gracious and gentle with me.  He let me know He is enough.  But he also showed me something very personal.   He showed me one of my absolute darkest times.  He showed me a memory of my post partum depression.   You will remember, this was a time in my life I wanted to die because I couldn’t control the thoughts coming at me.  And what he showed me was how I reacted towards my son when I had a bad thought.  Please remember, I was barraged with thoughts of my child being harmed, or even that I would go crazy and harm him myself.  I couldn’t go in the kitchen where there were knives because the anxiety and thoughts were relentless.  So back then I made a choice with what to do about the thoughts.

I decided every time I had a bad thought I would kiss my son on the forehead.  There were days I kissed him 1000 times.  It was the only thing I could think to do in those moments when I felt so out of control.  And God let me see this today and told me, “Susan, I am proud of you, because in your darkest hours you chose love.  You chose me.  If you think those children of yours won’t receive my blessing from this, then you still don’t know the greatness of who I AM.”

I was astonished that at the lowest of lows, that at my weakest when I felt worthless, the Lord could state he was proud of me.   But I understood why.   And as I sobbed at the memory, I let go and gave all my angst over my children to God.  Because He rescued me from that pit, and He is the Savior of my children and not me.  All He asks me to do is to pour love where I see none exactly in the place I am planted, and let Him take care of the rest.  He reminded me that when I fail to love, which have been plenty of times, he left us confession, and His grace awaits to lift us back up again.  Today was a consolation in a moment when I needed it most.  He reminded me that I do not have to fix everything.  He is the ultimate fixer, the one who heals.

So I act when I can, control what I can control, enlist help when I need help, and give the rest to God.  Lord Jesus, I consecrate this day and everyday, my entire family to your Sacred Heart, that we may become conduits of your love in this broken world.

But the LORD’s mercy is from age to age, toward those who fear him. His salvation is for the children’s children of those who keep his covenant, and remember to carry out his precepts.  Psalm 103:17-18

About veilofveronica

I am a mother and wife as well as an RCIA and Adult Faith Formation catechist at a parish in the south. I have 3 children and a great husband.
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14 Responses to Pouring Love

  1. Christina A. says:

    Beautiful 💕you’re a fighter. Just rest in Jesus and know that He sees and will grant your heart peace in letting go and letting God.

  2. Katherine Cantrell says:

    I love this with all of my heart. And I love you for sharing your testimony that encourages and uplifts the spirit. God is especially fond of you!

  3. I understand. Holding you close, dear one.

  4. colleendrose says:

    Thank you for your transparency, Susan, it loosens up places in others and lets God pour the healing and encouragement in.

    • Thank you. Sometimes it is hard to share, but I think so many get barraged with thoughts and it makes them feel alone. This is the very place God wants to heal us and though it is hard for me to “put it out there,” I feel compelled to SPEAK so that God’s healing could maybe reach someone else who reads my story. I write it, not to make it be about me, but about God who saved me and can save us all if only we let Him.

      • colleendrose says:

        It’s a merciful thing for God to use you in this way… your post today helped lift my internal load and my daughter’s. Somehow God just needs a touch point like another’s experience to release our stresses and fears. God is good, all the time.

  5. billbad42 says:

    The prayer of St. Ignatius of Loyola comes to mind. Years ago a priest introduced me to it as penance for my confession of not trusting God. It is now a prayer I say frequently. The struggle is real for all of us, so thank you for sharing. I pray we all trust Him more and exclusively. God bless!

  6. annamurfverizonnet says:

    LOVE, Love your blog! Been meaning to ask….where did you get your beautiful chapel veil that you lost mysteriously? I can see myself wearing one of those. Thanks for sharing. God bless++

  7. annamurfverizonnet says:

    THEY ARE LOVELY !!! Thank you so much. God bless ++ (hugs)

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