Why I receive Communion on the Tongue

Posted on June 6, 2015 by veilofveronica

Padre Pio

“Receive Holy Communion with courage, peace and humility, in response to the Divine Spouse, Who, in order to unite Himself to us, humbled Himself and so wonderfully abased Himself as to become our very food.” – St. Francis de Sales

The short answer to this question, why do I receive on the tongue, is because my husband asked me to.  He had his reasons, which I may one day share with you, if anyone is interested.  But he is a convert, he knew nothing of Pre-Vatican II, and he asked me to.  He doesn’t ask much of me, so I complied, as did our children.  I honestly didn’t give it too much thought, as both receiving in the hand and on the tongue are considered licit by the USCCB.  I had been taught as a child to receive on the hand, but around 4 or so years ago, I switched at my husbands request.

But this morning I was in church, after having had another strange dream.  In my dream, there were many things that happened, including coming across a past President, but the thing that stuck out most to me toward the end of my dream, I was laying down on the ground and it was night.  I was looking up at the sky and staring at the moon.  The moon was full and bright, and a cloud appeared to encircle the moon.  As I adjusted my view, the cloud circling around the moon and another cloud formed where my view of the center of the moon would be.  It formed the shape of a cross.  The moon suddenly illuminated and looked exactly like a Eucharistic Host.  I woke up and immediately realized it was First Friday, and I should go to Mass.  I usually try to make at least one weekday Mass, if not more, but this week’s schedule was very busy and I had not made the time to go.  I knew though, that I needed to today.

While I was at Mass, I was preparing my heart to receive the Eucharist, and all of the sudden an image popped into my head.  The image was of a Father feeding his infant child.  It struck me as odd.  But then I realized, an infant child is totally and completely at the hands of her parents.  She is totally dependent and vulnerable.  She cannot even feed herself.

I thought of Christ, feeding me with the Eucharist.  I wanted to be totally and completely dependent and vulnerable to Him.  I wanted to be fed, like a parent feeds a child.  With their hand to my mouth.  In total dependence.

This is not meant as a judgement on anyone who receives in the hands.  For Christ wants us to receive Him with a pure heart in awe and adoration.  It was just a realization for me in a tangible way, that if I use my hands, I am trying to exact a measure of control on how I receive God.  And I simply want to be totally dependent on him, and receiving on the tongue is a physical way for me to portray this to Our Lord.

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Should woman be Priests? A conversation with God.

Posted on June 4, 2015 by veilofveronica

ghant altar piece

When I was younger, I was one of those people who thought women should definitely be Ordained Priests.  I thought it was so unfair, that women are equal to men, and should be allowed to do anything a man can do.  I thought the Catholic Church was unfair.  But slowly over time God spoke to me in whispers, and he showed me why I was looking at everything backwards.

First I was lead to St. John Paul II’s writings on the subject.  His APOSTOLIC LETTER , ORDINATIO SACERDOTALIS, was a beautiful writing that solidified the church’s teaching on the dignity of women.  He stated, “The presence and the role of women in the life and mission of the Church, although not linked to the ministerial priesthood, remain absolutely necessary and irreplaceable. As the Declaration Inter Insigniores points out, “the Church desires that Christian women should become fully aware of the greatness of their mission: today their role is of capital importance both for the renewal and humanization of society and for the rediscovery by believers of the true face of the Church.”

I realized there was wisdom in what the Pontiff said and I had a conversation with God about it.

God asked me, “what is a Priest, Susan?”  I answered with my heart, “a Priest is above all, a servant.”  God told me that for millennia, woman have been the servants.  Men went to work and to war, women stayed home and serviced the home and the children, and their husband.  I want these men to be the servants after my own heart.

I asked God, “but a Consecrated man is a holy man in your eyes, why wouldn’t you want that consecration for us?”  God answered me again, “what does consecrate mean?”  I answered, “sacred, to make holy.”  God said, “I have consecrated women with the ability to bear life within their womb.  That is the most holy high calling.”

I realized that God was not asking me to seek equality.  That in his eyes I am already equal. If I am a woman, a man, black, or white, poor, or rich, I am dignified and loved completely by Him.  He showed me I should be seeking holiness above all.

So here I am today, I am not envious that a man can be a Priest and women cannot.  I am in awe of God who gave Himself to us in the Eucharist, and enabled these men to bring the Eucharist to us, to let these men serve us, to love us.  Let them love us, with a servants heart, and the ability to bring God to us, Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity at each and every Mass.

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Choose more than the Morsel

Posted on May 28, 2015 by veilofveronica

jesusandjudaslastsupper

When he had said this, Jesus was deeply troubled and testified, “Amen, amen, I say to you, one of you will betray me.” The disciples looked at one another, at a loss as to whom he meant.  One of his disciples, the one whom Jesus loved, was reclining at Jesus’ side.  So Simon Peter nodded to him to find out whom he meant.  He leaned back against Jesus’ chest and said to him, “Master, who is it?”  Jesus answered, “It is the one to whom I hand the morsel – after I have dipped it.” So he dipped the morsel and [took it and] handed it to Judas, son of Simon the Iscariot.  After he took the morsel, Satan entered him. So Jesus said to him, “What you are going to do, do quickly.”  John 13: 21-27

I read the above verse earlier this week, and something has been sticking out at me all week, so I decided to write it down.  It’s the fact that Judas, the betrayer, who walked with Jesus, took a morsel from Jesus right before he allowed Satan to enter him.  And he did not stick around to for the Institution of the Eucharist.

Here was a man, who was with Jesus, saw Him perform miracles, and heard him preach.  Christ identifies Judas, his betrayer, to “the Apostle whom He loved” as the one who would betray Him by handing him a morsel.  Once Judas has accepted the morsel, he allows Satan to enter him.

I often think that if I were alive back then, surely I would KNOW Jesus, surely I would recognize Him, surely I would see how He was teaching us to Love.  But then there is Judas, and it always baffles me, how could he have betrayed his friend like that?  But I got to thinking, we can KNOW Jesus today, by speaking with Him intimately.  But there are so many of us who don’t.  There are so many of us who take a morsel of His teaching and yet still let Satan influence.  I think the bible refers to it as being lukewarm.  It is when we use Jesus as a convenience for ourselves and toss Him aside when it doesn’t work for us.

Rare is the soul who gives all to Christ.  I struggle with this myself.  I know we are all sinners, but we are called to “be perfect as your Heavenly Father is perfect (Mt 5:48)” It is walking in complete and total trust, being merciful to others, and constantly examining our own conscience.  I have written about it many times.  But, it IS what we are called to do.  Christ gave all for us, and Instituted the Eucharist so His Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity is present with us each day at Mass.  Yet many of us reject this once we walk outside, or skip Mass, as if we have no idea that Heaven on Earth is taking place there each day.  We take only the morsel that works for us, and then we go and live out life as if we don’t know Jesus at all.

I have also been reading St. Therese of Lisieux’s, “The Story of a Soul.”  Here is a woman who wants more than a morsel and who ardently does not want Satan to influence her.  She writes;

…later on when perfection was set before me, I understood that to become a saint one had to suffer much, seek out always the most perfect thing to do, and forget self.  I understood, too, there were many degrees of perfection and each soul was free to respond to the advances of Our Lord, to do little or much for Him, in a word, to choose among the sacrifices He was asking.  Then, as in the days of my childhood, I cried out: “My God, ‘I choose all!’  I don’t want to be a saint by halves, I’m not afraid to suffer for You, I fear only one thing: to keep my own will; so take it, for ‘I choose all’ that You will!”

Here, this little way of St. Therese makes her a giant for God.  She has captured what Judas failed to see.  And really what so many of us fail to see.  We have this ability to chalk Jesus up to some nice guy, who was simply nice to other people.  But, Jesus wasn’t crucified for being nice.  He was changing lives in a RADICAL way.  He wasn’t a passive nice guy, but He wasn’t violent either.  He was a radical lover of human beings, each individual one of us.  And they killed Him for it.  And Judas, seeing the coming persecution chose to betray.  He chose what he thought was the path to less earthly suffering, and chose evil over that perceived suffering.  In the end, his suffering was well beyond what it would have been if he had chosen the other path.  He missed all that Christ had to give.

Today, I see people trying to avoid earthly suffering, and picking evil over suffering.  Picking sin over pain.  Therese understood, pain is part of this world.  Many allow themselves or friends to descend into an abyss of sin, without even the slightest notion that our job for ourselves and toward others is always point the way to heaven.  We should always be pointing others to Christ, and this means loving people, but also calling sin, sin. It is a mistake to think that the only people Christ came to change were the hard hearted Pharisees, though he absolutely wanted them to change the legalism that lacked love, but he also came to change the suffering sinner. He embraced them with mercy and love and showed them Truth. That there is a better way to live. The tax collector, the Samaritan woman, the adulterous woman, they were changed. Christ showed them mercy, love, and truth. I dare say he showed them their own soul and they believed and they had humility and they changed, no longer justifying sin. Christ fully took on their pain and our pain. St. Therese also shows us that suffering is not the worst thing that can happen to you.  She saw sin as the worst thing you can do.  She knew there is a larger purpose to life.  The life with Christ is the larger purpose for all of us.  But today, we make laws that supposedly lessen suffering, and choose evil to lessen the suffering.  We have asked God to leave, only taking that morsel of His teaching and rejecting the rest.  Radical Love does not tolerate sin, but compels the sinner to change.  It lovingly calls the sinner to repentance, to self -examination, to empty oneself, and let God take over.   It accepts pain and sacrifice as part of this world.  I leave you with a song linked below, I heard the day after reading the passage from St. Therese and I ask you, are you willing to give God all of you?

All of Me by Matt Hammitt

I know Matt Hammit wrote the song for his son, who had a congenital heart defect, but for me in the moment listening to it, I wanted to give all of me to God which means giving all in love for others.

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The Healing of My Soul

Posted on May 14, 2015 by veilofveronica

Veronica Bozza

I had wondered for a long time why God had preferences and why all souls did not receive an equal amount of grace […] Jesus saw fit to enlighten me about this mystery. He set the book of nature before me and I saw that all the flowers He has created are lovely. The splendour of the rose and whiteness of the lily do not rob the little violet of its scent nor the daisy of its simple charm. I realised that if every tiny flower wanted to be a rose, spring would lose its loveliness and there would be no wild flowers to make the meadows gay.

It is just the same in the world of souls — which is the garden of Jesus. He has created the great saints who are like the lilies and the roses, but He has also created much lesser saints and they must be content to be the daisies or the violets which rejoice His eyes whenever He glances down. Perfection consists in doing His will, in being that which He wants us to be. – St. Therese of Lisieux

The following is a compilation of my previous articles.  I have rewritten some of it to show chronological order.  Many of you already know this story;

My soul was broken only to be rebuilt again.  The walls of what I knew torn down, and with it God made something more beautiful than I imagined.  I know this, if you think you know God and have put him in a box for your comfort, you need to break open the box and see how much more God has in store for you.  God’s love really can’t be fathomed.  This is the story of my broken soul, and God’s unending mercy.

To give you a little bit of background, If you know me at all you know that I am Catholic.  I identify myself as this above all things.  It is who I am, a believer in Jesus Christ, and a member of the Catholic Church.  If you have known me a long time, you already knew this about me.  I have grown up going to church, attended Catholic schools, and generally been involved in Church activities or teaching in some way shape or form all of my life.  God was packaged nicely in a box of my own forming.   In 2010 though, I had an awakening.  It was as if I went from the idea of Christ to a friend of Christ.  If you knew me before then, you would have said, she is a good Christian girl, but I was going through the motions doing what was asked.  Looking back now, I was missing so much.

You see, I had already begun learning much more about my Catholic heritage by taking the Catechesis classes from Aquinas College, the ones they offer for free, and I was amazed at my lack of understanding of the beauty of the church.  I found myself thinking that I had bought into some of how the media portrays our Catholic faith, as a set of rigid non loving rules that suck the fun out of life, but the classes were starting to open my eyes to that false narrative.  It was also during this time that my son was enrolled in a Catholic school in our Diocese.  In August of 2010, about a week before school started the Priest at the school my son was going to went on the internet and said things contrary to Catholic teaching.  I found myself angry.   I pulled my son out of the school and asked for a refund of what had been paid for the coming year.

I did get attacked by some people, not all, but some.  I was attacked online for pulling my son out and for not seeing how great and modern the Priest was.  I was in anguish.  I cried and cried.  You see the thing is, I knew what the Priest did was wrong, yet one of the things he said was okay was a thing I was practicing; Birth Control.  I was standing up against this preaching, but I was living a lie myself.   In my pride I had been convinced of my rightness.  I had no humility.  I thought myself right, not wanting to look at 2000 years of Holy Spirit inspired teachings, as if the Holy Spirit had somehow stopped inspiration when this modern idea presented itself.  When I think of it now, it’s as if I was looking up at the God Man who was hanging on the Cross for my sins and saying to Him, “you can’t possibly know how hard it is.”   I was ashamed.  But I still wasn’t ready to change.

As I cried and felt isolated I knew I was angry for a reason.  Because I knew deep down in my heart that the teachings of the church were correct and I had chosen to live with what the world taught.   I felt like a hypocrite.  I started to read more.  I read Pope Paul VI’s ENCYCLICAL LETTER HUMANAE VITAE, and I was astounded by the prophetic words the Pope uttered about Birth Control; he spoke of divorce, abortion, infidelity, moral decline, an anti-child mentality.  He had hit the nail on the head.  I couldn’t believe my eyes.  Still, this was so hard, my husband and I had made mistakes.  Could God forgive me?  I looked at my 3 young beautiful children, I knew the encyclical was right, the world looks at them as a burden, but they are a gift.

Throughout this time of turmoil.  I had felt isolated because I had pulled my son out of a school and disagreed with a Priest that was so beloved by so many.  And please understand, I pray for this Priest.  I wish nothing but love for Him.  But I thought he was leading his flock astray.  The Bishop stepped in and the Priest apologized.  But MY life, was now seemingly filled with anxiety and isolation.  Most people I knew at the school agreed with the Priest and were angry at the Bishop, save a few in my circle.  There was one person at the school in particular who I was surprised did not judge me harshly for leaving.  In fact, she invited me and my son over, and that was my friend,Veronica.  Though I have no idea how she felt about what the Priest did, she did not judge me for my decision and she still wanted our boys to stay friends even though they would now be at different schools.  In fact, even though I knew she was separated from her husband, she never spoke ill of her husband either.  She was dignified and respectful.  Though I am sure she had closer friends she probably confided in, she never oozed the bitterness I often see in separated and divorced couples.  I believe she was truly a Christian in my heart, by how she treated people.

On August 28, 2010, just a mere 3 weeks after the Priest went on the internet, Veronica called me and asked if my son could spend the night at her house.  Though I had allowed him to dozens of times before, that night for some reason, I was uneasy.  I told her no, but that he could come over and play for the afternoon and that I would pick him up before dinner.  Around 4 o’clock I drove out to her house to pick him up.  I stood in Veronica’s kitchen area and we chatted about our boys.  She told me how each of them had a gift and what special children they were.  She had taken them to the grocery store to buy their favorite ice cream to eat.  My son also wanted cereal which she generously bought for him and gave me to take home for him.  I thanked her and I drove away.

The next morning she was murdered. Right there where I stood talking to her.  Her soon to be ex-husband had hired a hit man to murder her because they were separated and really who knows why else.  I felt like I got punched in the stomach.  I couldn’t breathe.  I couldn’t stop crying.

In my agony, I laid on my bedroom floor crying, wailing really.  Here was a beautiful young mother, 39 years old murdered, leaving her 8 year old son motherless.  And for what?  I cried out to God in anguish and anger.  How could you let this happen?   Why Lord?

In the midst of my anguish, a thought came over me. God said,  “I don’t want this, people choose this.”  I asked God, “what, what in the world can I do, in this awful place?”  He answered me.  He said, “Susan, good in the world starts with you.”  I began to think.  I thought about how I had seen Veronica and her husband in church together and I wondered, how can a person who would murder sit in church?  God answered me again.  He told me that her husband did not start out a murderer, but that his sin had grown in his heart and gone unchecked, and had lead down a long dark path.  I remembered the bible verse that stated, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”( Matthew 5:28)  That was the moment that verse made sense to me.  I never had understood it.  I had always thought, “how can a thought be a sin?”  But after her murder it made sense to me.  Sin starts in your heart and takes over until you act on it with your hands.  And if we never take the time to examine our conscience, or think about what is right and what is wrong, well then, we can really go down a wrong path.

So I asked God, “what can I do?”  He told me that the only person I could control was myself.  That I can choose to love and spread that love outward.  For me this meant examining my own conscience and trying to become a better person.  Something that given the classes and the school incident had been a long time coming.  I asked myself, did I love my enemy?  or even my neighbor, for that matter?  The answer was a resounding, NO.  Oh my, I thought, I have not always spread love and left people better off for knowing me.  I had also not accepted the wisdom of Church teaching.  “If you love me Susan, you will keep my commandments.”  I thought about Confession.  I had always disliked this Sacrament and dreaded going.  But here, in this place, crying on the ground, I found it to be a gift.  A gift I was grateful for.  But I did not know where to go because as I was transforming I came across so many, including Priests who could not understand what I was going through or what was happening to me.  I remember one day walking down the small main street in my historic town with tears coming down my face.  I walked into the church on main street.  It was not my church at the time.  I asked for the Priest and he made himself readily available.  This was not something I was used to at all.  I went into his office.  He put on his stole.  I sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed.  I think I confessed everything I had ever done or could remember doing.  Then the most amazing thing happened.  He did not judge me.  He told me God loved me.  He gave me Penance and Absolution.  While conveying this Sacrament on me he truly acted in persona Christi. I was forgiven. In telling my sins, I was able to encounter Christ.  In this Sacrament, I received the grace that Jesus offers to us when we choose to ask for it.  I took a good hard look at myself and my selfishness started to burn away because of the love I encountered in confessing.  The Sacrament makes me try to do better, and though I know that I am a sinner and will continue to have failures, I can receive His sanctifying grace and forgiveness when I go. This helps me to spread His goodness forward.  This sacrament, confession, truly healed my soul.

I thought of my friend Veronica, and her name and her beauty.  In Catholicism while Jesus is in His Passion, walking His way to Golgotha, bloodied and beaten, He comes across a woman named Veronica.  Veronica wipes the face of Jesus.  A small kindness.  This man, this God man, was bloodied, beaten, tired, in agony, and this woman, Veronica, provided a brief respite, if you will.  A few seconds where the sweat and blood were wiped away, and for a moment, however brief, He felt love from this woman.  It did not stop His Passion, His suffering, but in a world that was mocking Him, scourging Him, that woman’s touch with the cloth must have felt glorious.   So He imprinted His image on her cloth.  Veronica, means “True Image”.  He left her the mark of His love.  And so because of my friend, Veronica, who also had provided me love and respite when I left my sons school, I knew I must spread love and kindness where ever I go.  With God, using me I can bring good out of the ashes of her death. I cannot stop suffering, but I can offer that respite to those who are lost, poor, lonely, unwanted, or unloved.  Because of her I decided I will wipe the Face of Jesus, in those that are suffering, as long as His grace and mercy allows me to.

This experience taught me to have a conversation with God.  I built a peaceful place in my home where I go to pray.  I started to offer thanksgiving for things that once had only made me feel bitter, like dishes  and laundry.  A path of gratefulness overcame me.  One day, not too long after my confession,  I went into the historic chapel at the church on main street.  In there with the Artwork, the Stained Glass windows and the beautiful Tabernacle behind the altar,  I was surrounded by all things Catholic.  Everything that felt like home.  There was no other person there at the time, so I laid prostrate on the floor in front of Our Lord in the Tabernacle.  I felt so unworthy, but also blessed, and so loved.  How could I have possibly lived all these years and not seen this.  Not seen HIM.  Not seen the love, that He was chasing me, calling me to Him, and I had only halfway opened my heart.  Intellectually I had known the teachings my whole life, but now Jesus Himself pierced my heart.  I wanted Him to have all of my heart.

I still had a long way to go though.  I felt God compelling me to write my story down.  I resisted.  I will tell people I love you Lord, but if I write it down, if I put it out there, I may be isolated again.  I may get made fun of.  So I waited.  Then one day on Facebook a friend of mine who I probably had not spoken to in years popped in and wrote me a message.  She said, “I like what you write on Facebook, I think you should write a blog.”  I could not believe it.  Seriously.  I could not.  It was the prompting I needed.  So, I told her that was weird, because I had been feeling compelled to write.   I wrote Wiping the Face of Jesus ,  about Veronica, and  I sent it to my friend.  She cried.   I knew I had to publish it, so I did.  I have decided now to always listen to the Lord.  No matter how hard.

In closing, I just wanted to say that through my journey and the heartache of losing my friend, my soul was at once broken, then rebuilt by God.  My hope is that for all of you is that by sharing my story it will help you cultivate your own personal relationship with  Jesus Christ without the tragedy I had that made me look so hard.   I have told God, I am all in now, Lord.  I have been working on building my trust in the Lord.  Some days are harder than others, but so many blessings and small miracles have since happened that I am getting to the place where trust is getting easier and easier.  I feel joy where I once had only felt panic.  Before I start my days these days, I tell the Lord, I trust in you.  Show me the next step, I will follow it.  Transform me totally to conform to your will.  Perhaps one day I will be there, but until then pray for me, and I will pray for you.  In my job as an RCIA coordinator, I know I need to set my own sufferings aside in order to be the field hospital to those who come in suffering,  to love as Christ loves.  I read a blog the other day by Charlie Johnston that said , “Trust, Do, Love.  Take the next right step, spread hope to others.”  That is now my motto.  Hope is here.  Hope’s name is Jesus Christ.

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The rest of the Story: My Transformation into a Disciple of Christ

Posted on April 11, 2015 by veilofveronica

Many of you already know the story of the murder of my friend Veronica.  Her death truly sent me on a trajectory of intentional discipleship.  But what many of you may not know, is that I had already, slowly started down that path.

I would say for most of my life, I was “open” and sometimes “seeking” Christ.  But I remained stagnant for a number of years, living in the worldly world, accepting a lot, not all, but a lot of what the world accepts.

My son was in a Catholic school in our Diocese.  In August, about a week before school started the Priest at the school my son was going to went on the internet and said things contrary to Catholic teaching.  I found myself angry.   I pulled my son out of the school and asked for a refund of what had been paid for the coming year.

I did get attacked by some people, not all, but some.  I was attacked online for pulling my son out and for not seeing how great and modern the Priest was.  I was in anguish.  I cried and cried.  You see the thing is, I knew what the Priest did was wrong, yet one of the things he said was okay was a thing I was practicing;  Birth Control.  I was standing up against this preaching, but I was living a lie myself.   In my pride I had been convinced of my rightness.  I had no humility.  I thought myself right, not even glancing at 2000 years of Holy Spirit inspired teachings.  Looking back, now it’s as if I was saying to God, “you can’t possibly know how hard it is.”  Imagine, I was saying that to Christ, who hung on the cross for me.  I was ashamed.

As I cried and felt isolated I knew I was angry for a reason.  Because I knew  deep down in my heart that the teachings of the church were correct and I had chosen to live with what the world taught.   I felt like a hypocrite.  I started to read.  I read Pope Paul VI’s ENCYCLICAL LETTER HUMANAE VITAE, and I was astounded by the prophetic words the Pope uttered about Birth Control; divorce, abortion, infidelity, moral decline, an anti-child mentality.  He had hit the nail on the head.  I couldn’t believe my eyes.  Still, this was so hard, my husband and I had made mistakes.  Could God forgive me?  I looked at my 3 young beautiful children, I knew the encyclical was right, the world looks at them as a burden, but they are a gift.

Throughout this time of turmoil.  I had felt isolated because I had pulled my son out of a school and disagreed with a Priest that was so beloved by everyone.  And please understand, I pray for this Priest.  I wish nothing but love for Him.  But I think he was leading his flock astray.  The Bishop stepped in and the Priest apologized.  But MY life, was now seemingly filled with anxiety and isolation.  Most people I knew agreed with the Priest and were angry at the Bishop, save a few in my circle.  There was one person in particular who I was surprised did not judge me harshly for leaving.  In fact, she invited me and my son over, and that was Veronica.  Though I have no idea how she felt about what the Priest did, she did not judge me for my decision and she still wanted our boys to stay friends even though they would now be at different schools.  In fact, even though I knew she was separated, she never spoke ill of her husband either.  She was dignified and respectful.  Though I am sure she had closer friends she probably confided in, she never oozed the bitterness I often see in separated and divorced couples.  I believe she was truly a Christian in my heart, by how she treated people.

Then she was murdered.  You all know the story.  My wailing, my crying.  Feeling God speak to me asking me to change myself.  “If you love me, Susan, you will keep my commandments.”  I knew I needed to change.  I needed to leave the worldly world behind.  I built my Peaceful place.  I prayed by having a conversation with God every day.  I began to read as much as I could about my faith.  The veil was lifted.  The true and complete beauty of the church was revealed.  I decided I wanted to be a good and faithful servant.  When the Lord comes, and He separates the sheep from the goats, I want to be on his right side.  That meant living the beauty of the church teachings, all of them, even the hard ones, which really are beautiful and bring greater fulfillment in the long run.  I needed to change my behavior.  I accepted the teachings of the church.

This meant I had to go to confession, the one I mentioned in my story about Veronica.  I remember one day walking down the small main street of our historic town with tears coming down my face.  I walked into the church.  It was not my church at the time.  I asked for the Priest and he made himself readily available.  This was not something I was used to at all.  I went into his office.  He put on his stole.  I sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed.  I think I confessed everything I had ever done or could remember doing.  Then the most amazing thing happened.  He did not judge me.  He told me God loved me.  He gave me Penance and Absolution.  While conveying this Sacrament on me he acted in persona Christi. I was forgiven.

Awhile later, I went into the historic chapel at this church.  There was no one there.  I laid prostrate on the floor in front of Our Lord in the Tabernacle.  I felt so unworthy, but also blessed, and so loved.  How could I have possibly lived all these years and not seen this.  Not seen HIM.  Not seen the love, that He was chasing me, calling me to Him, and I had only halfway opened my heart.  Intellectually I had known the teachings my whole life, but now Jesus Himself pierced my heart.  I wanted Him to have all of my heart.

I still had a long way to go though.  I felt God compelling me to write my story down.  I resisted.  I will tell people I love you Lord, but if I write it down, if I put it out there, I may be isolated again.  I may get made fun of.  So I waited.  Then one day on Facebook a friend of mine who I probably had not spoken to in years popped in and wrote me a message.  She said, “I like what you write on Facebook, I think you are funny.  You should write a blog.”  I could not believe it.  Seriously.  I could not.  So, I told her that was weird, because I had been feeling compelled to write.  I wrote Wiping the Face of Jesus.  I sent it to her.  She cried.   I knew I had to publish it, so I did.

I told God, I am all in now, Lord.  I have been working on building my trust in the Lord.  Some days are harder than others, but so many blessings and small miracles have since happened that I am getting to the place where trust is getting easier and easier.  I feel joy where I once had only felt panic.  Before I start my days these days, I tell the Lord, I trust in you.  Show me the next step, I will follow it.  Transform me totally to conform to your will.  Perhaps one day I will be there, but until then pray for me, and I will pray for you.  I read a blog the other day by Charlie Johnson that said , “Trust, Do, Love.  Take the next right step, spread hope to others.”  That is now my motto.  Hope is here.  Hope’s name is Jesus Christ.

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I am the woman at the well – A walk through the Scrutinies

Posted on March 23, 2015 by veilofveronica

“Come see a man who told me everything I have done. Could he possibly be the Messiah?” John 4:29

During the third, fourth, and fifth weeks of Lent people who are in RCIA walk through the Scrutinies in the Gospels from year A.  According to the Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults book paragraph 141; “The scrutinies…are rites of self-searching and repentance and have above all a spiritual purpose. The scrutinies are meant to uncover, then heal all that is weak, defective, or sinful in the hearts of the elect (unbaptized); to bring out, then strengthen all that is upright, strong, and good. For the scrutinies are celebrated in order to deliver the elect from the power of sin and Satan, to protect them against temptation, and to give them strength in Christ, who is the way, the truth, and the life. These rites, therefore, should complete the conversion of the elect and deepen their resolve to hold fast to Christ and to carry out their decision to love God above all.”

Though these scrutinies are meant for the unbaptized, I have found that these speak to me profoundly.  The first scrutiny is the Gospel of the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4:4-42).  Jesus was able to tell her about her sins and she did not answer with justification or pride, she recognized Him.  I was the Samaritan woman.  Though my sins were different from hers, I was her.  I was living a life of pride, the deadliest of the seven deadly sins.  It wasn’t until my friend’s murder, that I took time to examine myself, God showed me my sin.  I was humbled.  I needed to change.  I still need to change.

The second scrutiny is about the man born blind (John 9:1-41.) Christ opened his eyes.  This speaks to me about the Spiritual blindness I experienced.  I was blind to my pride.  Blind to my sin.  Justifying at every turn.  Not loving my neighbor, or my enemy.  I did not know true love.  Once I had my moment at the well, so to speak, I examined my own conscience, my eyes were opened.  I could see the world in a whole new light.  I saw the beauty of God.  I also saw the stark evil of sin.  I began my path to seek holiness instead of worldliness.

The third scrutiny is the Gospel of the raising of Lazarus (John 11:1-45).  Lazarus had died.  I know that sin brings death.  This is the Gospel where Jesus weeps.  Weeps as a human being who witnesses his friends suffering, who knows what sin has brought us.  Even though He knows He can raise Lazarus, He weeps because He knows it was sin that brought death to this world.  Jesus weeps for me and my sin.  He also is the one who conquers death.  It is the next world with Him that I now seek.  I let go of fear and walk in confidence in Him.  He walks with me.  He carries me.  He raises me.  Jesus said, “Lazarus, come out!” and the dead man came out of his tomb.  So I leave my tomb of sin, to follow the path of holiness.  I stumble, but still He is there.  The scrutinies are my journey.  A journey for all of us.

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To Jesus through Mary with the Communion of Saints

Posted on February 28, 2015 by veilofveronica

christ crucified

Christ Crucified with the Virgin, Saint John, and Mary Magdalene
by Sir Anthony van Dyck (1599–1641)

This Lent I began a 10 week retreat/bible study with my parish.  The retreat is called Consoling the Heart of Jesus, A do it yourself retreat inspired by the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius Loyola.  The book was written by Fr. Michael Gaitley, MIC.  Having previously done Fr. Gaitley’s, 33 Days to Morning Glory, A Consecration to Jesus through Mary, I knew I would be in for a great deepening of my spiritual life.  As I began the book, Fr. Gaitley almost immediately asks you to do a Meditation.  He gives you a scenario.  You are in front of the cross;

“Behold Jesus in front of you, hanging on the Cross.  See his gentle, and sorrowful face.  His heart aches because so many for whom he’s dying have rejected his goodness and love.  Will you reject him too? Before you answer, listen to his words from the Cross, ‘I thirst.’  He’s speaking to you.  He thirsts for you.  Do you thirst for him?  He thirsts that you might thirst for him.  Tell him you thirst for him.  Ask him to help you thirst for him more. Beg him for grace.”

I close my eyes for the meditation.  I am near the foot of the cross.  My Lord is bloodied and beaten hanging up high.  I look to my right and I see his Mother Mary, Mary Magdalene and the Beloved Apostle John.  Their eyes fixed upon Him.  I hear Him say, “I thirst”.  I say, “Lord, I thirst for you too.”  But I am scared.  I see a serpent slithering around in front of me.  I know this is the devil who tempts me.  I am afraid the serpent will bite me.  I long to inch forward to the cross, but the serpent is in the way. Suddenly, Mary appears next to me.  She steps on him.  She crushes his head.  She says nothing, but her eyes tell me to approach her Son.  I am no longer afraid.  I get to the foot of the cross.  He is so high, I still cannot reach him to touch him.  Then, as if they all know, the Beloved Apostle, John, lifts me up.  Mary Magdalene is praying.  I can reach my Lord. He now comes off of the cross lifts me up high and embraces me.  He holds me while I cry. For the love I do not deserve.  I know in my heart the whole time He Himself could have come down to get me but He wanted them to help me.  He wants us to be in communion with Him, all of us together.  The Communion of Saints.  I am part of it, as are the souls who have gone before.  He wants us all to do His will.  He tells me go out and bring others to Him just a His Mother, John and Mary brought me to Him.  My heart is full.  I am at peace.

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Terrorists and the Woman Clothed in the Sun

Posted on February 27, 2015 by veilofveronica

our lady of guadalupe”

“Let not your heart be disturbed… Am I not here, who is your Mother? Are you not under my protection? Am I not your health? Are you not happily within my fold? What else do you wish? Do not grieve nor be disturbed by anything.” (Our Lady of Guadalupe to Juan Diego)

As I sit and watch the news these days with the ever increasing violence committed by terrorists in the name of God, I cannot help but think of another world, ages ago, that was terrorized by violence.  One where people were sacrificed to the gods.  That world was in Mexico and was a world that Juan Diego probably knew.

Mexico had been inhabited by a people who practiced human sacrifice.  They sacrificed the people to appease their
gods.  The Spanish came, some of them also brutal, and so only a very few converted to Christianity.

Juan Diego was one of the converts.  He would walk each day to the Franciscan Monastery for Mass.  As many of you already know, Our Lady appeared to him on Tepeyac Hill.  She is sometimes known as Our Lady of Tepeyac, and sometimes as Our Lady of Guadalupe. When Juan Diego went to the Bishop the Bishop wanted proof.  Later the Bishop got his proof, as Our Lady imprinted herself onto Juan Diego’s tilma.  A tilma that can still be seen today.   The Spanish roses fell, the Bishop knew it was a miracle.  Even today, in the eyes of Our Lady on the tilma, you can see the Bishop’s reflection.  She was clothed in the sun and stars with the moon at her feet.

Word of the Lady spread like wildfire, and miraculously the killing stopped.  They stopped the human sacrifice.  She appeared on the Tilma, looking like a combination of the Indians and Spanish.  She carried a message of mercy.  She showed them their own dignity.

Throughout the ages Mary has led people to her son, Jesus Christ.  Her “yes” to God is the highest example to all of us of conforming human will to God’s will.  Her imprint on the tilma and it’s miraculously still surviving is an outward sign to all of us of the love of God and the dignity of each human person.

As I watch the news of be-headings, the lack of care for human life, the fear creeps in.  But then I remember Our Lady of Tepeyac.  She has a message.  The message is that her son loves all of us with unfathomable mercy.  I pray for the terrorists, who like the Indians long ago, had no regard for human life, but who in a moment were changed.  Changed by a miracle.  It seems no coincidence to me that even in Islam Mary is considered one of the most righteous women.  She is actually mentioned in the Koran more than in the new testament.  The 19th chapter of the Koran is named after her.

Perhaps, the woman who always leads people to Jesus Christ her son, who is also the woman who showed a native people their own dignity as human beings, perhaps, if we ask for her intercession, she can lead those whose hearts are so hardened that they murder, to her Son.  My prayer is that if we all pray for her intercession, her mantle will reach far and wide, and her Son will melt the hardest of hearts.

Today, I ask you to trust in God.  Ask your will to conform to His.  Bring love and truth and to one another.  I leave you with a prayer;

Remember, O most gracious Virgin of Guadalupe, that in your apparitions on Mount Tepeyac you promised to show pity and compassion to all who, loving and trusting you, seek your help and protection.
Accordingly, listen now to our supplications and grant us consolation and relief. We are full of hope that, relying on your help, nothing can trouble or affect us. As you have remained with us through your admirable image, so now obtain for us the graces we need. Amen.

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Last Night I had the Strangest Dream

Posted on December 20, 2014 by veilofveronica

“Don’t have anything to do with that innocent man, for I have suffered a great deal today in a dream because of him” (Mat. 27:19)

I had a dream last night.  It seemed so real, even though upon waking up I realized how odd it was.  We were driving on a highway.  Going along at a fast rate of speed.  Suddenly the cars in front of us started crashing. There were explosions all around us and people were dying.  Cars started racing in the opposite direction toward us and I don’t know how we managed to miss them and not get hit, as if something supernatural was protecting our car.  We found ourselves pulling over to what appeared to be a college campus.  A young college age boy, who had been mortally wounded, lay dying on bleachers with a gaping wound in his chest. Though still alive, it became apparent that he would not live.  My sons, in their horror knelt beside him, held his hand, and began praying the Our Father.

Suddenly, an atheist group appeared and began chanting, “stop shoving your religion down our throats,” and, “we don’t believe in sky fairies.”  My boys were mystified as to why, when a person lay dying, someone else would be offended by a prayer.  They continued to pray.

I confronted one of the atheists.  I said, “the prayer is not hurting you, why won’t you have some respect for a dying man, what happened to your chant of live and let live, have some respect.”  The atheist insisted, “there is no sky fairy, you’re forcing us to observe the prayer.”  I again said, “if you were dying I would be respectful of you.”  Suddenly the atheist’s eyes turned demon red.  She shot out a wave of energy at me so forcefully it smacked me in the face and it stung me in a way I have never felt before.  I felt dizzy and disoriented, the way you would if you were drunk or sick.  I admit I was scared.  But then I remembered the power of Jesus’ name.  I simply said it, “Jesus.”  The disorientation stopped, the demon got mad and fled.  I was awakened at this point, still feeling the sting on my face, but also very secure in the notion that at the name of Jesus every knee shall bow and every tongue shall confess and give praise to God.  Romans 14:11

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Judge Not, Sin No More

Posted on November 13, 2014 by veilofveronica

And the ministers of the church must be ministers of mercy above all. The confessor, for example, is always in danger of being either too much of a rigorist or too lax. Neither is merciful, because neither of them really takes responsibility for the person. The rigorist washes his hands so that he leaves it to the commandment. The loose minister washes his hands by simply saying, ‘This is not a sin’ or something like that. In pastoral ministry we must accompany people, and we must heal their wounds.” – Pope Francis

 

There is much fighting in the church these days. The “liberals” vs. ”conservatives” but we cannot put Jesus in a box.  Jesus should not, and does not fit into our political labels.  Jesus is love.  Jesus is truth.  Jesus is the way.  I often feel in our day and age people try to divorce things that belong together.  People are forced to choose sides.  And neither side listens to the other.

I once knew a woman who had an abortion.  As a Catholic we know the killing of the unborn is gravely sinful.  Suppose I walked up to this woman and said, “you are sinful and your sin will send you to hell.”  Do you think she would listen to me?  I don’t.  What if instead, I said, “you are a child of God who loves you.  Tell me your story, and let me know your suffering.  Then together let’s walk and get to know our God who is great.”  Did I condone her sin?  No, I told her the truth, God loves her and I want to walk with her to get to know Him.  In time as her relationship with the God she originally said “no” to gets repaired she will be able to repent and say “yes.”  She can say yes because someone walked the path through the suffering with her.  Someone loved her enough to show her the truth instead of judging and condemning her.

On the flip side, if I were to say to her, “what you did wasn’t a sin,” I would be telling her a lie.  It would not help to heal her soul.  It would probably encourage her further down the road to perdition.  We need to acknowledge grave matters and lovingly show the path to Jesus.

The law is God’s way of revealing the path to happiness.  God left us the law that is really written on our hearts.  If we follow his law we will most definitely be more fulfilled in life.  But as St. Paul tells us in 1st Corinthians, if we have not love, we have nothing.   I see people trying to divorce these two things on both sides.  One side says, in the name of love don’t point out the thing they did wrong, when in fact the matter is very grave.  While the other side says, tell them how wrong they are without first showing them love.  Neither of these approaches radiate the mercy that our great and loving God has for us.

I say no to both of these.  Love and Law go hand in hand.  Say to the person on the street who is sinning (just as we all are), tell me your story, tell me your sufferings, and let me show you a way to heal that hurt and lead you to a path that will fulfill you beyond your wildest imagination.

Each person we pass on the street is suffering something.  Each person is a child of God.  And each person has the capability of being a great Saint, if only we stop judging, and start listening.  To the condemners we say, Judge not lest ye be judged, and to the sinner we say, go and sin no more.

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