I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20
I can see God purifying me in this process of caring for my parents. Dad is in hospice and Mom is on palliative care. With my parents everyday is something new, something wrong with them. I often wake up in the morning and my first thought is, did they make it through the night? I wonder everyday, is this the day one of them will die? I try to live in the now, but often each new day brings new worry. I pray and I let it go and then the next thing comes. The feeling of security often eludes me.
I say all that to say, I see God is placing me in a situation of unknowing. He is allowing me to be uncomfortable. And each and every day I learn to trust Him more. My security is solely in Him. I become quicker to respond in trust even when it is hard. I realize as my physical body is tired from lifting them, and emotionally tired from the insecurity of it, that God is deeply deeply purifying me. I know I wouldn’t have been able to handle this in years past. It’s how I know that God is so infinitely good.
If you remember my post partum depression, back when I literally wanted to kill myself, I was a mess of a daughter of God. But the Lord healed my daughterhood. And as I sat down this morning a friend pointed out to me that now God is redeeming my Motherhood. I am spiritually working through the same insecurities I had all those years ago, only this time I can discern the voice of Satan and dispel all those lies. This time God has walked me to a place where I am purging those sins that had let the enemy speak to me. This time the parenting is harder, my parents care is harder, but this time I am stronger, only through the Grace of God. He has taken me by the hand and led me where I don’t want to go, but it is for my own purification which is a stunningly beautiful thing.
Very truly, I tell you, when you were younger, you used to fasten your own belt and to go wherever you wished. But when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will fasten a belt around you and take you where you do not wish to go.” John 21:18
None of us really ever want to face death. It is the place we don’t want to go. And I am on the precipice with my mom and dad taking me there. And I see the hand of God so clearly and so beautifully in it. He isn’t taking the suffering away. He gives meaning to it. He is helping me to look up at the cross for through it is the only way to Redemption.
Every night I pray for the Lord to show me my soul and to purify it. Every time he shows me my soul I cry. When you stand before the love and purity of God you see how far away you are from it and you understand the free gift of mercy he gives. It is that mercy that elevates you and I cry for those who won’t accept it.
And I said: “Woe is me! I am lost, for I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips; yet my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts!” Then one of the seraphs flew to me, holding a live coal that had been taken from the altar with a pair of tongs. The seraph touched my mouth with it and said: “Now that this has touched your lips, your guilt has departed and your sin is blotted out.” Isaiah 6:5-7
I believe that many souls reject God’s mercy here in this life. They reject extending it and receiving it. And when they come to their judgment they will reject it again because having never known Him, they won’t be able to stand the sight of themselves in light of the Glory of God before them. There is no selfishness in God and there is so much of it in us. I believe this is why Saint after Saint saw souls pour into hell. And why Saint after Saint dedicated themselves to praying for poor sinners. It is our prayer, in the midst of suffering, that helps poor sinners, receive Gods mercy.
Saint Jacinta Marto
O my Jesus, forgive us our sins, save us from the fire of hell. Lead all souls to Heaven, especially those who are most in need of thy mercy.
Most people who see the state of their soul before God know they don’t deserve the mercy; thus they blaspheme the Holy Spirit. The prayer of the Communion of Saints for poor sinners can drown out the voice of blasphemy so people don’t reject God’s mercy and they are saved. God is looking for the willing souls, the saints who cooperated with His saving of humanity to be loud enough for the acceptance of His mercy which exudes charity. Throughout time these people have helped hold up humanity so God can elevate us. Be one of these people, the world so desperately needs it right now.
Mom and Dad holding hands in their hospital beds
Please continue to pray for my family.