When Jesus saw his mother and the disciple whom he loved standing beside her, he said to his mother, “Woman, here is your son.” ²⁷ Then he said to the disciple, “Here is your mother.” And from that hour the disciple took her into his own home. John 19:27

Here lately with all that has been happening in the world, I have prayed to the Lord to let me “see”, or “stay awake”. The answer I hear back from heaven seems to be, “view the world through the lens of the Passion.” I have to decide, in all these swirling storms who I want to be.

In the Passion narrative, though I most often relate to Mary Magdelene, it has been the Apostle John who has come time and again to my prayer. As I see things crumble in the larger church and in my own local church, I have asked myself over and over, how the Apostles must have felt.

Prior to the Passion we see Jesus tell them of their lack of understanding. They cannot seem to view what is happening beyond the material things and sufferings they see with their physical eyes. He tries to get them to see spiritually.

 When the disciples reached the other side, they had forgotten to bring any bread.  Jesus said to them, “Watch out, and beware of the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees.”  They said to one another, “It is because we have brought no bread.”  And becoming aware of it, Jesus said, “You of little faith, why are you talking about having no bread?  Do you still not perceive? Do you not remember the five loaves for the five thousand and how many baskets you gathered?  Or the seven loaves for the four thousand and how many baskets you gathered?  How could you fail to perceive that I was not speaking about bread? Beware of the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees!”  Then they understood that he had not told them to beware of the yeast of bread but of the teaching of the Pharisees and Sadducees. Matthew 16:5-12

This passage makes me giggle a little bit. They had just witnessed Jesus multiply bread but they think he is talking about not having enough bread. He has to explain Himself. I don’t perceive that Jesus would have been angry with them when he chastises them in this passage, but perhaps, I see Him as more sorrowful. He is just looking for one, just one of them, to get it.

So as scripture moves into the Passion narrative, we can see that the interior disposition of the Apostles is still not quite where it should be. Though there is one, one who rests on Jesus’ heart.

One of his disciples—the one whom Jesus loved—was reclining close to his heart; Simon Peter therefore motioned to him to ask Jesus of whom he was speaking. John 13:23

I find it interesting that Peter turns to John to find out who Jesus is speaking about that will betray Him. Peter could have asked Him directly. But he didn’t. This speaks of fear in Peter’s heart. John was not afraid. He was resting in the Lord.

The spiritual atmosphere in these hours has shifted. This Jesus, who had been the healer, gift giver, and kingdom preacher to them, who they knew was the Messiah, now, though they love him, evokes fear in their hearts. Why?

As Jesus angered the Pharisees and Sadducees, they would have felt the walls closing in, waiting for Jesus to announce Himself and take over as King. But he wasn’t doing that. The result causes wavering. What in the world is the Lord doing? Why doesn’t He show them who He is?

Perhaps He now no longer appeared in their eyes to be the source of life. Instead, they perceived Him and the path to the cross that He willingly chose to be the source of anxiety. And they were right and correct in what they thought, at least in the worldly way, about this because Jesus let the leaders of His religion carry Him off to death using the hands of the state to do so.

This would be traumatic. They would have felt unsafe.

Can anyone relate to this as we see what is unfolding in our own church? As we see sin be made transparent and Doctrine being whipped?

The Apostles reacted and ran, not wanting to witness His death.

It was a Mass exodus of His closest friends who knew the truth He taught but fear enveloped them.

Except one. One came back. Why?

The answer is that He loved Jesus more than he hated his own suffering. He loved Jesus more than his own life.

John got outside of his own suffering and consoled the Heart of Jesus. John sacrificed safety for love. This makes him beloved because now it is God’s own love that has a hold of Him. God’s love that is self-sacrificing living in him.

The other Apostles weren’t there yet. In fact, we see in an exchange after the Resurrection when Jesus asks Peter if he loves him. The passage tells us Peter went back to his old way of life fishing and had taken off his outer garment;

That disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord!” When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he put on his outer garment, for he had taken it off, and jumped into the sea. But the other disciples came in the boat, dragging the net full of fish, for they were not far from the land, only about a hundred yards off. John 21:7-8

Isn’t the reference to the outer garment interesting? Since in the Baptismal covenant we exchange the outer garment, handing our old ways to God, and being clothed in white. Peter had to put his garment back on. We would all do well to remember this when we renew our baptismal vows at Easter each year. And here again, it is John who sees! John knows it is Jesus!

Throughout all of this we can see that it is our contrition that saves us. Peter and the other Apostles become contrite when they realize Jesus’ plan was different than what they had imagined. God’s mercy pours out and they become Saints. The rejection of mercy is the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit and it is unforgivable.

But more than contrition, it is true love of God that restores us and makes us to see the spiritual realm. When you love God more than anything else you can face any trauma like John did. Your thoughts become rightly ordered and you know that God is good regardless of what is happening around you.

Ask yourself this question, do you love Jesus in the Eucharist more than you hate the suffering you’re enduring?

Saint John was more aware of the suffering of Jesus than of His own suffering. Most people don’t reach this level of sanctity. John had an openness to God’s plan that perhaps the others did not. And John, according to the mystics, went and got Mary, who in her perfection, is a ceaseless intercessor for us. We would all do well to ponder these things and view things through the lens of the Passion.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love. 1 John 4:18