View from the 9th floor balcony of the Palms in Destin, Florida
….he breathed on them and said to them, “Receive the holy Spirit. Whose sins you forgive are forgiven them, and whose sins you retain are retained.” John 20:22-23
This is one of those posts I really didn’t want to write. I didn’t want to open up and tell everyone what goes on inside my head. But God said, “SPEAK. ” And so I will.
Before I tell this story, I want to remind readers of a dream I had on December 20, 2014.
In my dream I was attacked by a demon, and when I awoke I knew it was real. Prior to this I knew that the devil was real because I knew that evil was real and I knew that God is not the orchestrator of evil. But this day, this dream changed me. I knew for sure that the devil was an active entity, a real entity, one that was trying to steal, kill and destroy.
I bring this up because I had known and established a relationship with God and knew I could hear Him speaking, but I don’t think I realized that the “voices in my head” could also be coming from Satan. I had thought it was either my own voice, or God’s, but after this dream I knew there was a third voice, and it was one that wanted my destruction.
Discerning where something is coming from can be hard, but the nearer you draw to the Lord in prayer, the louder the Lord gets, and it gets easier to discern when the enemy is trying to derail you. It’s how I know that my post-partum depression and anxiety contained the spiritual attack on my motherhood.
I tell you all this so you know there are 3 voices that speak to you. God’s, your own, and Satan’s. The more you sin, the louder Satan’s gets. The more you pray, the louder God’s gets. Whichever one you choose to make your own and you internalize and believe becomes how you interact in the world. If you internalize God’s and walk as a loved child, you bring that love to the world. If you internalize Satan’s you bring hate, death and sin in the world and you call it love but it’s a lie.
One of the things that brings a barrage of demonic voices to anyone is getting stuck in unforgiveness. This is a wide open door that will let those voices pummel you with fiery darts of suggestion. I know I have an area of forgiveness to work on when my anxiety rises and the images and thoughts make me feel out of control. They make me accuse and suck all my joy.
So that brings me to my story. I finally got to go on vacation after several months of feeling like I was on a treadmill. I was so very very excited!!! Until I got to our destination…
My wonderful, loving husband booked us a room on the 9th floor of a high rise in Florida. Now anyone who knows me knows that I have a grave fear of heights. It isn’t just the healthy caution that one should have, it is an irrational anxiety that keeps me from doing things. When I walked in the condo I cried. Which promptly made the 17 year old roll his eyes and go out on the balcony of death to look over the railing.
Now I will say that in my journey I have come a long way about a lot of things. There was a time when I would have LIT MY HUSBAND UP for booking a place like that. I would have taken it so personally like he was malicious. But I knew he wasn’t malicious, he was clueless. Apparently my fear of heights did not occur to him when he was booking our vacation. He worked hard to plan it, and at a nice place. I wasn’t mad. He sheepishly looked at me and said next time we wouldn’t stay up this high. I knew God had something for me to work on. I knew God wanted me there. So it was time to take it to prayer. I hugged my husband and retreated to prayer.
I had to shut the blinds as the balcony was like a magnetic pole to my children who must have been wearing metal clothing. They wanted to be no where else but there. So here’s where I tell you all about the “voices in my head.” I would get barraged with image after image of my children falling off the balcony. Then if I even tried to go out myself a voice would whisper, “jump”. Now this one voice made me angry because it was so bold and I KNEW IT WASN’T MINE. And I knew instantly Satan just wants me dead. But God wants me to figure something out. I wasn’t always afraid of heights, at some point something had changed.
I knew I could command the voices and images to go away in Jesus’ name, but that if I had an area of unforgiveness they would just come back immediately. That’s why Jesus says;
But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
So I set to my task of asking God because I didn’t want to hand myself to the torturer’s any longer.
“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.” Matthew 18:32-35
He showed me a moment in time. It was September 11, 2001. I was newly pregnant with my firstborn. The one I would suffer post-partum depression with. I was watching the TV in my living room, watching the towers burn. Watching people jump to their death. I held my stomach tightly and I said, “my God, what kind of world am I bringing this child into.” And I questioned having a child in a world filled with evil. Like speaking a curse over the blessing God was giving me.
And I knew immediately who I needed to forgive. I actually needed to forgive the terrorists for the trauma. I needed to forgive myself for the doubt of life I spoke over my child. Once I did this I could command those demons to leave and break any curses in the name of Jesus. Thank God for confession.
I felt God further say that he wanted me to share this story so people would know how to discern the voices, and how to make them leave.
I could have spiraled into a wild amount of control, refusing to let my kids on the balcony. But God let me know that we were on the 9th floor for a reason, because 9 is the number of the angels. They surround me and my children, and if I don’t trust God with my children, then I don’t trust God. These voices are barraging everyone, but not everyone recognizes it. And even when you do, it is often a struggle to make it stop. Don’t let a stronghold of unforgiveness keep you stuck.
By the end of the week I could sit on the balcony and have coffee. I wouldn’t say I am ready to climb the Empire State Building, but I would say the voices left and the fear subsided. And I rested in the love of God, and relaxed on my vacation. In the months ahead I think it is important not to get stuck in our own control, and unforgiveness. You are not your Savior, Jesus is, and he has left us so many tools to fight this battle. If you think you have it figured out on your own, He will let you know you don’t. If you find yourself in fear and accusing others, there’s probably something you need to work on. Remember forgiveness does not mean no consequences. Forgiveness just means you can be free. Totally free.
The demons are so active right now. My friend Charlie also had a vision on December 20, 2014. These demons are actively trying to take us down. So RECOGNIZE IT and fight intelligently. Put your Holy Hatred on Satan where it belongs. Don’t be afraid, be MAD, at the right entity and put on the Armor of God.
You, Charlie, timing, amazing…God is good.
All the time.
And all the time, God is good. 🙂
Thanks for sharing this, Susan. It arrived in my in-box just as I was praying a novena for someone I know, who struggles both with the “voices in her head” and with unforgiveness. I will pray about the best way to share this information with her.
I will pray too Mick!
Thank you for your prayers for this woman, Susan. She’s been struggling with unforgiveness her whole life, but she didn’t start struggling with the “voices in her head” until she read C.S. Lewis’ “The Screwtape Letters” several years ago.
Perhaps she didn’t recognize them before that. And honestly there has been a giant uptick in the demonic in the past several years. They’re getting louder and we can see the fruit of how people have turned away from God. I will pray that she can she how unforgiveness leaves an open door for this.
Interestingly enough, those parallel visions on the same day were how Susan and I were introduced to each other. It has been a deeply rewarding friendship for us both.
yes Charlie, you were the one who taught me I don’t have to be right, just true. There’s so much freedom in that. Thank you!
I needed this now 😦 I keep accusing and noticing how much u forgiveness has taken a toll on my heart… So much so that I’m refusing to see another point of view. Thank you again Susan ❤️
This is key. We often walk away from a relationship because we refuse to see that there could be another way to look at things. A question asked innocuously can make us feel offended. It is really important to see people through the eyes of God and not assign intentions to them if we don’t know for sure. In this situation in the past I would have started yelling at everyone and accusing them of not caring for me. In these times we are in we really need to build each other up and not divide, so we must really examine ourselves for these areas of unforgiveness!
It’s been a while but I’ve been redirected here at the right time. I keep running into assigning intentions that people want to flirt with my husband or the other way around and it’s driving me crazy. Past situations keep coming back up again and it’s so difficult to make my this incessant thought process go away. I wish I could say everything… But I’ll have to take it to Jesus I guess. Thank you Susan for all you write. Jesus was right! You were right to speak up with this!
I will pray for you.
Susan, you confirmed so many things for me in this post. Bless you for your obedience to God that made you write this.
Your post is a message for me from God. I thank Him for asking you to be His instrument. And I thank you for your humility in doing it.
Thank you so much. God bless you.
In September 2014 mark Mallett wrote Hell Unleashed Same focus.
Confirmation that God is speaking to and warning all who will listen.
Remember forgiveness does not mean no consequences.plrase elaborate.. .thank you Susan.want to be sure I understand!!
What I mean by that is that forgiveness doesn’t mean a person who has harmed you should not have consequences. For example, the people who commit acts of terror or help facilitate it should go to prison. I can forgive them the trauma it caused me in my life, but they should still have a penalty. Does that make sense? Another example, let’s say a woman is raped- forgiving the rapist will be freeing for her interiorly-but the rapist should still go to prison. That’s what I mean by saying forgiveness does not mean no consequences.
Thank you.so we are. now living the consequences of much sin…. especially iunrepented sin….and as pope’s have said….lost the sense. Of sin.much repairing must be done.
We are made to know,love and serve God. …but the KNOW part is fading. We need an enlightenment to KNOW
As Pope Benedict said much of humanity has lost its bearings. Thank you for your article Susan.
The know part is why I wrote the prayer for the Holy Spirit to Illuminate Mankind. https://veilofveronica.blog/2019/01/16/prayer-to-the-holy-spirit-to-illuminate-mankind/
Sue and Ann, you have spoken well. Before Vatican II, the problem, somewhat simplified, was that people went to confession, but never atoned for their sins, like gossip. Now, after Vatican II, barely anybody goes to confession, so the problem is worse now than before.
I looked at several books on confession, Sue and Ann, and not one of them talked about “restorative justice” (to use an in phrase these days). Every situation is different. If you are aware that you have sinned against someone and circumstances prevent you from making it up, have healing masses said for the one you hurt, do penance, and make sacrifices so that your suffering may make up what is lacking in Christ (see Colossians 1:24).
Yes James, thank you!
Just had interesting thought.lookat year of Mercy dates….end of 2015_november..2016.
Thank you James. Yes….restore and ask God to heal.yes . Our lack of use of the confessional is a major doorway opening for troubles!!!
We desperately need rescuing by the Love of the Holy Spirit!
Lack of confession…..hmm …..and at the same time huge rise in mental illness. Interesting!
Susan, thank you so much for sharing your heart and your story. I am inspired by your courage. I just finished a retreat called from Grief to Grace that is anointed by the Holy Spirit. God made me new this week, and I didn’t think that would be possible until heaven. (That could be a testimony in and of itself.) But last night I kept having these thoughts that I knew were from Satan. I rebuked them every time, but I didn’t know why they were coming back. And then I read your post. So I took it to prayer and asked God to show me where I still needed to forgive as I thought I had already forgiven everything and everyone in my past. But memory after memory kept coming. I forgave each and every person, and I am at peace now. That earlier thought is gone now that I couldn’t shake earlier. Thank you for your courage and vulnerability. May God reward you!
God Bless you!! This is wonderful!
Pingback: Apocalypse | Veil of Veronica
Hi! I have a question about unforgiveness… How do you forgive someone who has cut you off? Honestly, I am okay being estranged from this person as it is one less headache, and I have moved on with my life. You mentioned forgiving the terrorists but short of a face-to-face with them and telling them you forgive them (and meaning it, of course) how does one do this without that face-to-face opportunity (interiorily)?
Also, thank you for talking about your post-partum depression. I have to admit that I may have suffered from a mild version of it without really linking it with that “third voice” of the devil. I need to set myself free of this voice–the one that tells me that my children have prevented me from other opportunities to grow professionally and to engage in other pursuits that I used to enjoy prior to having children. My children are a blessing and I do love them but I need to dispel that voice that tells me otherwise. Thank you for making me conscious of this.
Forgiveness is interior. It can also be exterior, but that isn’t necessary. I often go to confession to confess unforgiveness of someone. I also simply say, “as an act of my will, I willingly choose to forgive (name). They owe me nothing, not a phone call, not a letter, not an apology. It was paid for in the blood of Christ. Then let it go. Sometimes we need to forgive people who we feel we shouldn’t be mad at in the first place. It is okay to interiorly say “I forgive my children….” What you are letting go of is the feeling of bitterness, even as their birth is not their fault and not anything they can control, the act of forgiveness for you is an interior letting go of the feelings towards them. Does that make sense? It isn’t something that needs to be verbalized to them. I have known people who even needed to forgive God. I touch on that idea here; https://veilofveronica.blog/2019/01/14/betrayal-a-word-to-our-leaders/
You see God, and your children in reality did nothing wrong, but the enemy has trained used your feelings to train you how to think. If you forgive, then the feelings cannot be used against you because you have let them go.
Thank you for sharing. It has taken me some time to come to this realization also, but with God’s grace, I have recently. I finally have been able to say, “hey, that’s not my voice.” . What a blessing to be able to discern the enemy. It helps me to have compassion towards myself when I get overwhelmed with emotion. I have been sharing this with people when appropriate such as during prayer times, Unbound, healing, etc… Thank you for sharing your story and confirmation of what I have learned.
God Bless you.
Pingback: Defeating the Devil | Veil of Veronica