From Addiction to Redemption

Posted on October 8, 2019 by veilofveronica

Michael Patrick Fallon

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 2 Timothy 4:7

I have told this story before but on the Feast of his death I decided to print it again.

Eight years ago today Michael Patrick Fallon passed away while in seminary after having a heart attack from a heart defect he had had since childhood.  I hadn’t seen or spoken to him in about 20 years.

It was the early 90’s and I was in college in Washington, D.C.  He was dating my friend so we were friends with one another.  Michael had battled his demons.  They were demons of addiction.  He was in AA and was trying to remain sober. Doing this in college at the time was hard.  I tried to be supportive.

One morning he called me and told me he needed to borrow money for his anti-depressant medication.  I lent him $10.

Later in the day his girlfriend called me to see if I could check on him as she was not on campus with us and I lived in a dorm nearby.  She was worried about him.  Before I went over I called him.  He answered the phone and began crying.  He confessed to me that he had taken the money I had given him for medication and used it to buy alcohol.  I believe he had taken drugs too.  He was very ashamed and was calling himself stupid.  I decided I should go over to his room to help him calm down.

I was not prepared for the state he was in when I entered the room.  He let me in and began banging his head and fists against the wall repeating how stupid he was.  I could see he was tormented by his mistake.  I grabbed the phone (the old kind that was hooked to the wall), and called his AA sponsor.

When I lifted my head Michael had a knife.  He told me he was going to kill himself.  I responded, “NO!”

Then he threatened to kill me.  Though that sounds horrifying, I never actually believed in my heart that he would hurt me. He continued to wave the knife and punch the wall.

All the noise alerted the Resident Assistant.  The RA came to the door and asked me if everything was okay.  I said, “no” and informed him of what was going on.  The RA called the police.

The Police sent in the SWAT team. The building was evacuated and I was inside the room as he deteriorated. The RA convinced Michael to let me out of the room if he came in. I don’t even remember the RA’s name, but he traded places with me. Yes, I said, he traded places with me.  There are angels among us.  I was never able to thank him.   I was whisked out by SWAT who had snipers on a neighboring building.  Eventually they were able to trade the knife for a cigarette and they carried him away. I was left a little terrified.

A year later, a clean and sober Michael came into one of the Lecture Hall classrooms I was in. He sat next to me he handed me a $10 bill and said, “Susan, I am so sorry.” I told him I forgave him and I told him that my wish for him was to live a good life and be happy. I never saw him again.  I often think about this and the courage it took him to do this; admit his sin and ask for forgiveness.  This is something that is so rare these days.  And even back then God compelled me to extend the hand of mercy towards him.

I had prayed for Michael to recover and get better.  He did.  I don’t think I had absorbed at the time what it had done to me.  I thought I had forgiven him, but I don’t know if in my soul I had.  I was traumatized.  This experience coupled with a mugging and witnessing a shooting would eventually make me flee the city and move south.  A counselor would later diagnose me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I lived with panic attacks and depression on and off for awhile.  I believe this contributed to my post partum depression.

I never realized how trauma can open the door for the demons of fear to grab hold of you.  I would often lash out at people in anger.  Anger because I was afraid of being hurt again.  I was living in chains.

It was in realizing the power of forgiveness, true forgiveness from the depths of my soul, that I was set free from the demons of fear.

I had to forgive Michael and mean it, and I did.  I had to forgive the muggers, the murderer, even the CITY;  the city that for me had bred violence, vitriol and fear.  I FORGIVE WASHINGTON, DC.  Please understand I know this is not everyone’s experience of that city, but it was mine.  I can now visit there with a peaceful heart.

When we forgive, we are free.  Panic, depression and anger no longer consume me.  I am loved and I believe God is a good father.

Michael passed away after having recovered from his own demons.  He had made his way to seminary and was going to be a Priest.  His father told me of how he spent hours in front of the Blessed Sacrament.  His father also told me that his only wish for his children was that they die in a state of grace.  Michael did.  Though his father was sorrowful, he also was grateful, grateful because his son knew Christ. He had peace, even in living through the death of a child. It is the kind of peace only Christ, especially in the Eucharist can bring; even in death, you can know your child is well.

Reflecting back on my life, I fully believe that God allowed me to be in that room with Michael for a reason. It was for me and it was for him. For him, because I truly believe if I had not been there that night, I don’t know if he would have made it out alive and  he was able to receive the great gift of God’s mercy. For me, part of that night and my further journey brought me to my knees to know the Lord and all He means to us.

That meeting with Michael, one that contributed to me leaving Washington, D.C., it was a blessing. His life changed and so did mine. I moved, I met my husband, I have 3 beautiful children. Michael played a part in my journey. When I heard that he was in the seminary when he passed, though I was extremely sad about his passing, I rejoiced that he was in the seminary because that meant that before he passed he had made it home. He found his calling. We both found the Grace of the Sacraments.  How Awesome! I know that when he passed, he was able to meet the Divine Mercy of Jesus who looked upon him and said, “Well done, my Good and Faithful Servant.” This was ALWAYS my prayer for Michael. In heaven he is whole and perfect, he is surrounded by a love we cannot comprehend. I am reminded that God knows all the hairs on each of our heads and He is holding us in the palm of His hand.  We just have to open our eyes to it.  I also realize that God knows the bigger picture.  I could never have imagined the blessed life I lead today when I was standing in that room.  I could never have imagined that Michael would have found his way to God in the seminary.  God really does have a plan for each one of us.

 

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The Pontification and Ideology of Division

Posted on September 30, 2019 by veilofveronica

creation_adam_eve-600x300

 

“Know that the greatest service that man can offer to God is to help convert souls.” 

St. Rose of Lima

 

Before I begin this post I wanted to say unequivocally that I am under the guidance and direction of the Chair of Peter and I will never leave it.  No one should. Whether the man at the helm denies Jesus like Peter did 3 times, goes the way of Caiaphas the High Priest, Judas the betrayer, or the path of Christ Himself, it is Christ Himself who is the ultimate authority over the person in the Chair, and in Him I trust to guide the church and the chair towards resurrection and life, no matter how messy that path.  Jesus I trust in you. The Pope is my shepherd. He cannot compel me to sin, but he can and does lead the church that I love and so I abide by the direction we go, wherever that may be, because the promise of Christ is TRUE, that the gates of hell will not prevail, even if the path we are on seems to contradict this. Jesus I trust in you.

My word for the year this year was SPEAK, so though I do owe my obedience to the Pope, I do not have to remain silent in the face of error.  I must speak when my conscience compels me to. I am not a sedevacantist, nor do I believe in assuming the interior of a person, including the Pope.  It is not my job to judge his soul. I can, however, assess statements that have been made. And it is actually precisely because I love this Pope that I feel compelled to speak now.

Recently I read an article, that if true, is troubling.

Here are the quotes I find most troubling;

“One dimension of clericalism is the exclusive moral fixation on the sixth commandment,” 

“We focus on sex and then we do not give weight to social injustice, slander, gossip and lies. The Church today needs a profound conversion in this area.”

“Once a Jesuit, a great Jesuit, told me to be careful in giving absolution, because the most serious sins are those that are more angelical: pride, arrogance, dominion… And the least serious are those that are less angelical, such as greed and lust,”

“Clericalism has a direct consequence in rigidity. Have you never seen young priests all stiff in black cassocks and hats in the shape of the planet Saturn on their heads? Behind all the rigid clericalism there are serious problems.”

To start, let’s focus on the statement that lust and greed are less serious sins. Although many theologians have ordered the sins putting lust and greed at the bottom, they are still considered deadly sins and in certain conditions, they are mortal. 

To be clear, this is not a competition between sins or people.  To do this is to partake in the very sin that is claimed to condemn as the worst, namely pride.  But when we start generalizing and concluding that one deadly sin is worse than another… What a statement of pride! Only God can know the hearts and minds of every sinner. Only He stands to judge each one of us in His perfect justice. We are not worthy to make those judgements so we must avoid it at all costs. 

But let me make one thing clear, acceptance of any deadly sin as less than deadly swings a door wide open for Satan to enter. Once we allow Satan to convince us that one deadly sin is “not as bad as another”, he’s got us in his grasp and can do a lot of damage thereafter. 

I would further argue that viewing the world this way, that acknowledging lust and sexual sins as deadly will make us blind to other sins like slander and gossip, misses the mark on why lust is so bad for the soul and it underestimates God’s grace in lifting us out of sin.  When we view people through a lustful lens, lust begins to harden our hearts and violates the dignity of another human person. Lust is particularly perverse because of how it dishonors the dignity of the human person in both body and soul and gives rise to the sexual sins of adultery, pedophilia, molestation, rape, pornography and the like. It is here that pride takes root because by justifying the violation of the body and soul of either yourself or of another person it is a direct attack on all parts of our humanity that God made dignified. In other words, this sin is personal and relational and opens the doorway to souls being used as sexual commodities.  Then assuredly, the sins of pride, power, and greed will end up intertwining themselves into this distorted view of the dignity of humanity. Just look at Jeffery Epstein and Cardinal McCarrick.

The sexual sins of the pedophile, ephebophile and homosexual Priests and Bishops were lustful, alongside being prideful and power filled. Clericalism is not what made these men do these horrific things, giving into temptation (looking lustfully) and choosing to sin is what did. Acting upon the sin of lust is what opened the door to becoming prideful. It is the personal sin that hardens our hearts and eventually leads us to societal chaos.  A position as a cleric is just a position, it only becomes sinful when it is an abuse of power. In the case of these priests and bishops, they committed sin in their hearts first, then they used their power to carry out and perpetuate the sinful acts. Then they and many others who knew or found out about what they did, all used their power to cover it up afterwards. Had the cleric not given into the temptation of lust, the temptation to wield power over others would not be an issue. Sin begets sin.  

There was a reason why Jesus spoke so firmly on marriage, which is the only appropriate place for sexual union to take place.  If marriage breaks down, so does society.  Breakdown of the family CAUSES POVERTY.  The poverty we so want to stop.  If we teach and build up sexual morality and marriage, poverty is way less likely to happen.

I want to go back to something I touched on earlier, which is the claim that focusing on sexual sin means we do not give weight to social justice issues. Seeing where we are as a culture right now and the heavy focus our culture has on sexual identity, it seems only fitting that we focus in on this very thing.  If we are to win this battle against Satan, and it is a battle that we are in whether we know it or not, we must focus in on how Satan has convinced us to identify ourselves through the scope of a sinful behavior, instead of identifying as our true identity, which is sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father. This statement that we are too focused on sexual sin is one of division that pits those doing social justice work against those doing work to improve sexual morality.

It is not an either/or situation… It’s a both/and situation! It is actually an insult to the Mystical Body of Christ and the Communion of Saints to say that one is more important than the other.  Some are called to feed the poor, others to teach on sexual morality, still others are called to a multitude of other areas. All of these things are meant to compliment one another in the Kingdom of God and build it up, not to be in competition with one another.  To think otherwise is to think like a demi-god. Half-god. One who knows better than the teachings of God Himself.

This is actually one of the strategies of Satan, to get Christians to turn inward, to focus on our differences of opinion, to attack one another. When we are busy doing this, we actually cease fighting Satan. 

God of course wants us to help the poor, but He also wants us to be interiorly free from sin.  It is only when we interiorly work on our own sinfulness are we able to truly become servants of God by serving others.  If we have not healed and grounded ourselves in the truth, we are at risk of being devoured by the wolves of the world, instead of being able to serve those in need.  It is a cooperation in our own redemption and it is the duty of the Christian to help others see this too, but never by way of force. God Himself respects free will, and we should also.  But we also don’t abdicate to the position that it’s just too hard and stay wallowing in sin and sit back and do nothing while others wallow in sin as well. That is not what we are called to do! Correction of a person is actually one of the Spiritual Works of Mercy. We are called to make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.  This is the universal or Catholic call. It is the one that brings freedom and saves. And it ministers to the whole person and the whole truth. It seeks total conversion.

You know who takes half a truth into the world and twists it to be the full truth?  Satan. The self-made demi-god who begets non-servium.  If you want service from the heart, full truth must be embraced in prayer and reverence. 

Lastly, I must comment on the very hurtful words that no doubt insulted those who adhere to full truth and respond lovingly in every way possible, even in the details of how they dress (which, by the way, was put in place to keep clerics from wearing richly styled clothing, thus stressing poverty as well as modesty).  These very words are filled with judgement and division, let alone their being completely unprofessional. 

Most of the young Priests in black cassocks that I know love God with their whole heart, mind and soul.  They are prayerfully serving. They actually pray their Divine Office and mean it.  To insinuate otherwise is calumny.  No one but God knows their interior.  These men that bring us the Eucharist do not need to be subverted by the very authority they serve.  It does absolutely nothing to foster unity, truth and love. They are facing accusations and name calling from society, while getting called out for not changing basic teachings, not compromising the truth from within. All the while, those committing actual crimes get very little or even no penalty at all.  

My friend Shawn Sulak put it this way, she said, “In our broken society my heart craves the truth, which has always been clear.  In an effort to be “inclusive” we have lost beautiful traditions and the fruit of this seems to be that for every 6.5 Catholics that leave only 1 convert.  Additionally, most Catholics believe the Eucharist is only a symbol.  Why do most Catholics believe the Eucharist is only a symbol?  Why aren’t Catholics attending Mass? If the hierarchy could just embrace what the church already is; beautiful, perfectly designed, and instituted by Christ Himself, the Holy Spirit could work.  It doesn’t need to be watered down. That is the problem, it is losing all of it’s luster – which is the supernatural beauty and awe that compels you towards heaven. If only people truly understood what is happening at Mass and if only our leaders would cultivate this.  People are not craving a mediocre experience where you can go and ‘hangout’ and follow a portion of what you feel like, and then go about the rest of your lackluster week. People thirst for and NEED Christ. The Catholic Church is the only place that can fill this – yet so many in leadership want to water it down.  It is heartbreaking and sad.” Shawn went further and stated, “if people truly experience the Mass, the Eucharist, the Liturgy – the way it was written and intended, if they would go to Confession and experience God’s mercy and Grace, then the Holy Spirit could get to work and things would turn around. But if we continue down the path of ‘this sin isn’t as bad as that sin’ and saying Priests are ‘too rigid’, ignore the rubric of the Mass, and don’t teach the truth about the Mass and the Eucharist, Mass becomes like a sporting event.  I want something RADICAL. I want radical Priests to rise up and say enough! Radical Love is what Christ was about and the beauty of our traditions embody this.”

While there are those who are truly “rigid” and need prayer, the converse is true that there are those who are morally loose, especially those in the ranks who commit sexual crimes and have destroyed the trust of a faithful flock.  They are harming the Kingdom of God and need to be held accountable by our leadership. Why is this not happening? Their moral laxity has led to moral laxity in teaching the lay faithful and now we can see how depraved our society has become as a result.  The church is supposed to be a beacon of truth. It draws you in because it is truth. It is Jesus. Now with watered down teaching it just looks like the rest of the world. The Holy Spirit is the advocate of the church and it is the Holy Spirit who convicts hearts and leads souls to full conversion. But we’ve seemed to lose hope in the Holy Spirit. We’ve stopped praying for our families and laity who are the sheep of the flock. We’ve turned to our own thinking and our own ability to try to reach out to the flock instead of calling on the Holy Spirit, the advocate, to do the work of conversion. It’s the Holy Spirit who keeps people from leaving the Church. It’s prayer that opens us up to the Spirit. The church should be calling all the faithful to prayer so that each catholic may encounter the living God in their very hearts.

Jesus said,  “If you love me, you will keep my commandments” John 14:15.  He didn’t quantify that and say to only keep some of them.  This is because they are unified and belong together, to separate them out and pit them against one another is dangerous. Satan is the divider, God is the ultimate uniter, and God wants nothing more than for us to be ONE and for us to work as ONE body. It is our duty to build of the Kingdom of God.  Don’t accept an ideology of halves. Be all in for the Kingdom of God. I believe Pope Francis truly wants the best for people, that he wants Priests to not get so stuck in the rules that they don’t love people. All of that is good. But the faithful also must not be offended by the truth. The Priests must not be afraid to teach it and should most definitely not be admonished for teaching it.  The bar does not need to be lowered, the path should be clear – because it is a path to heaven. To downplay this just brings more destruction on the Body of Christ.

Pray for the Pope.

Fiat voluntas tua.

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The Spirit of Elijah – Restored Order

Posted on September 23, 2019 by veilofveronica

 

Strobel_Assumption_of_Mary_with_St._John_the_Evangelist

And he will go before him in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the disobedient to the wisdom of the just, to make ready for the Lord a people prepared.  Luke 1:17

This past weekend I took my parents to attend the funeral of a very dear friend, Reba, who passed away after a life well lived at the age of 89.  She was one of my mom’s best friends and she was like a second Mother to me.  She also happened to be my sister’s Mother-in-law.

My own parents are elderly so travel can be difficult, for both them and me.  But because of the closeness of my family with Reba, I knew we had to be there.  The funeral was in Charlotte.  A seven hour drive for me with my parents.  My husband and children did not come due to the timing and logistics of everything.

I started out the morning picking up my parents, who decided to have a sit down breakfast at their Independent Living Facility.  I have learned when I am traveling with the elderly I just have to go with the flow.  There is no sense of “hurry up” which can feel like a curse, but is actually a blessing in our fast paced world.   They proceeded to introduce me to every single person there, many whom I have met before.  It’s all about relationship.  We could learn something from spending time with the elderly.

I sat down with them at the table.  Table number 17.   I looked at the number and God said, “pay attention.”  I knew it would be an interesting day.

After breakfast we got on the road.  About an hour into the ride my tire blew out on my mini-van.

blow out

We were on Interstate 40, with 18 wheelers flying by, and there was a guard rail and very little room to pull over on my right.  My mom was crying.  I drove a few meters past the guard rail and pulled off the Interstate as best as I could.  But there was a ditch on the right side, and 18 wheelers whizzing by on the left.   I knew I could not exit the vehicle.  My parents cannot walk well and if I tried to have them exit to the right they were at serious risk of falling into the ditch.  Obviously no one wanted to exit on the side with trucks flying by.  I was stuck.

I called for help and was informed that it would be an hour before any tow truck could get there.  Trying to get the spare tire would require emptying walkers and wheelchairs onto i40 and did not appear to be an option.

walkers and wheelchairs

The only thing we could do was wait.  Wait for rescue.  I felt like Moses at the Red Sea when God tells him to “be still, I will fight for you.” (Exodus 14:14)

My parents and I decided to pray the Rosary as we waited for the tow truck driver.  We got 3 decades in when he arrived.   Andy, our tow truck driver, looked like he wasn’t old enough to drive.  He reminded my of Skylar our boat captain back during the storms in Florida.  God keeps sending me children to rescue me.  I think he is trying to tell me something.

And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 18:3

Andy seemed to have no problem walking around on the side of the interstate with trucks whizzing by about 24 inches from him.  I waited for a break in traffic and I hopped out to talk to him.  Together Andy and I assessed the situation.  There really was no good way to get us out of there because of my parents and he didn’t have room for all of us in his cab anyway.  He called the powers that be.  They told him to hook us up to the tow truck while we remained in our vehicle.  So Andy, the child, got under my car with his cable and pulled us up onto his tow truck, chaining us securely.

tow truck

Andy, true to the name of the Apostle first called, fished us out of the situation we were in.  The wind blew fiercely making the cable creak, which in turn made my mom and I cry.  My dad proceeded to lead the next two decades of the Rosary, just as calm as could be.  I loved having my father with me in that moment.  We drove a few miles to a tire shop where Andy dropped us off.  We were safe.  And God had put me in yet another situation where I had no control and whispered, “Trust.”  I couldn’t help but think of our church, which seems in disarray from scandal and ambiguity.  Like a ship stuck in stormy water waiting for rescue.

“so that we confidently say, “THE LORD IS MY HELPER, I WILL NOT BE AFRAID. WHAT WILL MAN DO TO ME?” Hebrews 13:6

We were at a small mom and pop tire shop awaiting my car to be repaired.  The woman who was helping us started telling us about her nephew.  He was born with half of a heart.  She said, yes he was born November 17 and his heart transplant was July 17.  Seventeen is his lucky number.  And God said “pay attention.”  

I was paying attention, and I asked God, “what is it you want me to see about 17?”

So I actually looked up on my phone 17 and scripture.

And it popped up and said;

Number 10 is a symbol of perfect order, while number 7 is a symbol of perfection.  It is also written in the bible that the next prophet who will come to earth will be Elijah and he will be actually the representation of Jesus.  He will restore all the things on the planet and he will make a victory.

Now I have no idea what site this was on.  But after I read this, God just said, “Spirit of Elijah and the double portion.”

My friend Lucy has spoken to me about the Spirit of Elijah before, but she is much more schooled than I am and I honestly didn’t always know what exactly she was talking about.  But on this day I did.

God was pointing out disorder to me in our church.  You see, by virtue of my being an RCIA Coordinator, I had noticed that the order of the Sacraments in RCIA is actually different than the order of the Sacraments for our baptized Catholic Children in our Diocese.

Let me back up a bit and remind you of the story of Elijah.  Elijah is with Elisha and Elisha realizing Elijah will soon pass away asks Elijah if he can have a double portion of his spirit (which would give him the ability to perform more miracles).  Elijah tells him if Elisha sees him ascend, he will receive that double portion.  And Elijah does indeed ascend and God bestows the double portion.

We see this also at Pentecost.  After Jesus ascends, this is when the Spirit comes down upon the Apostles.  We already know they are Baptized with water and the Spirit, and it is this event that the church points to for the Sacrament of Confirmation.  A double portion of the Spirit, Baptism and Confirmation.  In both cases the ascending brings the Pentecost, brings the double portion.  And it is here we see the Birthday of the Church. Baptism and Confirmation take place as the first two of the 3 initiation Sacraments.  The third is the Eucharist.

And I realized we have it out of order.  I think all but maybe 10 Dioceses do.  It has to do with restored order.  Baptism, then Confirmation, then Eucharist.  This is the order we follow in RCIA, but it is not the order my children or myself received the Sacraments in.  Giving our children Eucharist and withholding Confirmation is like giving a child a brand new car without any gas to get where they’re going.  We had stopped expecting the Holy Spirit to act.  Of course God can make order out of our disorder, and he has in some souls, but it begs the question, why was this ever changed in the first place?  RCIA and a sparse few Diocese’s are the only places I know of that order this properly.  And I come across so many Catholics who are not fully initiated into the church.  They have no double portion and so they are marked in the Kingdom of God, but access to the gifts He wants to pour out upon them has not happened.  God can make anything happen, but he seeks our cooperation.  We have not cooperated.  Why are we making it harder?  It’s like having half of the heart of God, like the woman’s nephew who needed a new heart.  We need the whole heart of God in us.

The Holy Spirit at Confirmation bestows the gifts of wisdom, counsel, knowledge, piety, fortitude, understanding and fear of the Lord.  Children are open to the Spirit in a way older teens and adults often are not.  WHY IN THE WORLD ARE WE NOT BESTOWING THIS UPON THEM EARLY?  Be like little children.  These gifts beget other gifts.  Discernment of Spirits, prophecy, healing, mercy… the list goes on.  GOD IS WAITING TO POUR IT OUT.

When we receive Baptism, then Confirmation, then Eucharist, in proper order we become disposed to the Spiritual and Corporal Works of Mercy in the World.  And the world becomes better.

The perfect example of this is the Blessed Mother. Though she had no need of baptism by virtue of her Immaculate Conception, it is at the Annunciation that the Spirit comes upon her. This enables her to become the living Sanctuary of the Eucharist. God in her. A daughter of God the Father, the spouse of the Holy Spirit, and the Mother of the Son. All things relationship, in proper order. Baptism restores us to God’s Kingdom as children. Confirmation bestows upon us the gifts we were meant to receive as brothers and sisters of the Kingdom and Eucharist enables us to bring God’s love to the world as a spiritually mature giver, bringing His Kingdom on earth as it is in heaven. Bringing about a Mystical Body, a communion of Saints. These things belong together in proper order. We have disordered them. Mary shows us how to be restored. Restore order.

When I went to Latin Mass for the first time in 20 years, I felt as though God scrolled me through time.  And that the church would walk the same Passion as Christ.  That there were parallels in the actual Path of Christ and His Passion and in the path of the Passion of the Church.  Mary, who is the Mother of the Church and the archetype of what the church should be fits into this.  I felt as though the Annunciation was like the Ascension bringing down the Spirit.

So when I look at Mary down through the centuries I realize she has been appearing all over the place.  We have many approved church apparitions, and some still under investigation.  She has been walking with the church.  Walking with us to our Passion.  One where we surrender to the will of God as Jesus did.  Though we have known for a long time she was Assumed by God into Heaven, it was not declared Dogma until November 1, 1950.  Next year will mark the 70th anniversary of the Doctrine of the Assumption of Mary.  There’s another number for you, 70.  Also made of 10 and 7.  Order and Perfection (of love).  These things were never meant to be separated.  There are those who made order their god, and those who misconstrue love to be without truth.  But God says no to both of these.  And God will reorder things to His perfect love.  Everything a movement back to His Divine Will.  We just have to surrender and listen.  And we must wait for the double portion to renew our hurting church.  The Spirit of Elijah.  What an exciting time to be alive.

I think of this age of the double portion as an Illumination of Conscience.  I actually pray for it.  One where the Spirit convicts us of who we are in God’s eyes.  Conviction is not condemnation, it shows us our sin, while still knowing we are loved.  Confession and forgiveness is the recognition of the promise of God at our Baptism and the openness to be filled with the gifts given at Confirmation.  He wipes away our sin.  And we can be poured upon with gifts as we receive the Eucharist and have God in us.  Thus we are totally whole.  The epoch of Mary and the Holy Spirit.

This was the fruit of my paying attention to the number 17 and the excursion with my parents.  We continued on to the funeral, all toll it took us about 12 hours for what should have been our 7 hour car ride.  The funeral was beautiful. Reba died after receiving the Sacrament of the sick with all her kids and husband praying around her. Her husband who is 97 led the Rosary and the kids said there were more Our Fathers than Hail Mary’s because of his memory but they felt certain God understood. It was a VERY Catholic funeral.  She left behind her husband, 6 kids, their spouses, 18 grandchildren and 6 great grandchildren.  It was exactly as it should be.  The eulogy was Amazing.  All about her life as a Catholic and how she led Maryland Right to Life.

It was a life well lived and filled with relationship.  I will miss her.

In loving Memory of Reba Marie Ransom Ferris

September 12, 1930 – September 13, 2019

reba-ferris-charlotte-nc-obituary

 

 

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The Mystical Body and the Liturgy

Posted on September 22, 2019 by veilofveronica

Mystical Body of Christ

 

If we would define and describe this true Church of Jesus Christ – which is the One, Holy, Catholic, Apostolic and Roman Church  – we shall find nothing more noble, more sublime, or more divine than the expression “the Mystical Body of Christ” – an expression which springs from and is, as it were, the fair flowering of the repeated teaching of the Sacred Scriptures and the Holy Fathers.  Pope Pius XII paragraph 13 Mystici Corporis Christi

I was at daily Mass the other day participating and observing my surroundings.  I noticed how different people made all kinds of different gestures.  Some raising hands in the air.  Others off to their sides.  Still others put there hands in a traditional prayer position.  I felt God tell me interiorly how much he loves when people pray sincerely with their hearts and how much he loves each of these people.

Y’all know how much I dislike Liturgy wars, and how much I think God is looks at each individual heart.  But you also know what I think about the Latin Mass.   But I go to a Novus Ordo parish and I love it very much and feel called to be there.  And it was in a Novus Ordo Mass that I was observing the gesturing of these sincere and God loving people.  But sometimes I do ache inside.  The noise level often is not conducive to prayer because the silent reverence seems to have been lost.  Additionally, I love Latin. Latin is an anointed language since it was nailed to the Cross of Christ.  Ecclesiastical Latin is probably the only language that hasn’t been corrupted with garbage.  It hasn’t been pornofied by our culture.  Though I have often heard that in the old Mass people were just spectators while the Priest did all the work, I never actually looked at it this way.  To me, it is one movement of the Mystical Body through the head of the Body, the Priest.  I found it to be a very active participation that is communal because the interior is aligned towards God moving through the Priest.   One additional thing, recently I learned that the tabernacles used to be veiled.  Given my experience with my veil, I found this odd that we changed this.  I say all this, while at the same time recognizing the beautiful things that can take place at the Novus Ordo Mass.  I really do try not to judge.

I was not thinking about any of these things I just mentioned when I finished Mass and prayed the Rosary in Adoration.  I felt God suddenly pouring over me about the Liturgy.  I am not a liturgist, so I always hesitate to post these things, but felt convicted today to do so.  As always when I write in my journal I write as if God is speaking to me directly.  If the Magisterium of the church was to come out and say what I have written in wrong, then they are correct and I am wrong.  Please discern that as you read what I wrote.  I post it now because I feel it is important for our times.  I do not write this as a judgment of anyone or anything.  But it is a message for Priests and leaders.

September 18, 2019 – Feast of Saint Joseph Cupertino

Beloved Lily of the Father,

Do you not see that you are walking backwards?

The progress of the world does not advance the cause of God.

I am the HEAD of the MYSTICAL BODY.

My Priests are in me, directing the movement of the body in worship.

But many have been derelict in their duty.

The body is disjointed and dysautonomic. 

Instead of drawing nearer they make gods of themselves each moving individually instead of with ME who is present in the Priest.

We are ONE, HOLY, CATHOLIC and APOSTOLIC.  We are not acting this way.

People are not letting go and letting God.  They try to control what is not theirs to control.

There is no TRUST in me.  JESUS I TRUST IN YOU.

Priests who have acquiesced their duty have let the evil one in.  Woe to them.

In worship the hands and feet should not be moving as the HEAD.  The keys of the Kingdom will be lost because of this.  But as the Spirit guides, He restores.

ONE MYSTICAL BODY ACTIVE TOGETHER GUIDED BY THE HEAD.

My Priests have unveiled the tabernacle, bringing Apocalypse on the Church.

The Lord disciplines him whom he loves.

My Priests, do not be illegitimate children.

BE SONS.

Discipline yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness and roots out bitterness.

Be careful not to make order your god.  It is for this reason I have allowed the unveiling.  I AM GOD. 

The earth shook while I was on the cross.

But with this unveiling, I will shake not only the earth but heaven.

What is not shaken will remain standing like my Mother.

Those who enter the sanctuary of Divine Life through her to me will make Satan their footstool.

Totally unified as a vine to the TREE OF LIFE.

I AM a consuming fire of GLORY.

Cherubim surround you and impart wisdom for these times.

(Redacted)

Be merciful to the disordered and trust that I will reorder them with your prayers and supplications.

In the beginning they were made male and female, made to fit together, woven by their creator.

I will cut out the parts of the body that bring death.

Imitate the leaders who speak the will of God and take no offense at my TRUTH which is LOVE.

The heavenly Jerusalem awaits as the city on the hill burns down.

Psalm 33:18

  • Your Divine Spouse

 

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The Virtue of Mary’s Motherhood- Audio

Posted on September 16, 2019 by veilofveronica

 

Rosa Mystica

Rosa Mistica by Francisco Laporta Valor – 1894

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.  1 Peter 5:6-7

I was asked to speak at a retreat this weekend at the Bethany House.  My talk was on the virtue of Mary’s Motherhood.  There is a lot of personal witness in this story that was hard to tell, but I felt it needed to be told.

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Fulton Sheen miracle

Posted on September 9, 2019 by veilofveronica

 

Fulton Sheen and JPII Oct 2 1979

JP II and Fulton Sheen October 2, 1979 (EWTN)

“As our Lord said, “Where your treasure is, there is your heart also.” Hence the least love of God is worth more than the knowledge of all created things.” ― Fulton J. Sheen

We were blessed to have Bonnie Engstrom at my parish today.  This is the story of her son James Fulton – who was dead for 61 minutes and was brought back to life through the intercession of Fulton Sheen.  You can purchase Bonnie’s book here. 

Here is the talk she gave;

 

 

 

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Coming out of the Darkness – The story of Joshua Ridgeway

Posted on September 6, 2019 by veilofveronica

Double rainbox

 

But the hour is coming, and is now here, when true worshipers will worship the Father in Spirit and truth; and indeed the Father seeks such people to worship him.  God is Spirit, and those who worship him must worship in Spirit and truth.” The woman said to him, “I know that the Messiah is coming, the one called the Anointed; when he comes, he will tell us everything.” Jesus said to her, “I am he, the one who is speaking with you.”

John 4:23-26

 

This is the story of my friend, Joshua Ridgeway.  He came through our RCIA program last year.  I post it here in his own words straight from his heart.  I am so proud to have walked with him on this journey and I hope the Lord pours abundant blessings over him as he continues.  Please keep him sincerely in your prayers.

A TESTIMONY – BY: JOSHUA RIDGEWAY

A little over a year ago my whole life changed. I invited a co-worker, that was going through a nasty divorce, to lunch with me. My impression was that I would get all the juicy details of her divorce and see how she was holding up. I was perplexed when met and she was calm, peaceful, and full of joy. I thought how is this possible. She began to tell me about her new relationship with Christ and how it has transformed her life. looking at her she was gleaming with love I had never seen. I looked at her and told her, “I want what you have.” She replied,” that’s Jesus!” She invited me to church that following sunday and I agreed to go. While getting into my car to leave she stopped me and said that she felt compelled to give me something. It was a little medal of St. Christopher and the Miraculous medal of Mary with Jesus in the middle, that goes on your sun visor.
The next day I got pulled over for speeding on the interstate, going over 100. The officer asked me to get out of the car and that was when I began to realize my life is about to change forever, I’m going to Jail. At this point in time I was already broken, and had hit rock bottom. I was living a homosexual lifestyle, being very promiscuous, doing drugs, and had left home and dropped out of school when I was 16 because I was tired of the abuse from my father. I already had two speeding tickets that month that I told the officer about, and he rewarded me for my honesty and sincerity and didn’t give me a ticket. I sat in my car for a while and ugly cried. I told God at that moment if he got me through this I would go back to church. At that moment I heard God’s voice for the first time,” You sing my praises but you deny my presence.” I continued down the road and heard a song by Rascal Flatts, I wont let go. I listened as though God were saying these lyrics to me. I ugly cried again.
That following Sunday was Divine Mercy sunday and I remembered the homily was on forgiveness. Immediately my father came to mind, but I wasn’t ready. I spent some time alone in the Old Chapel lying on the floor crying. One particular time I heard God say to me,” I need you to forgive your father. I need you to be an example.” I replied,” How?”
He gave me a vision of my Father being beaten by his father, and my heart sank. A few weeks later I called my father up and had a difficult conversation with him. I told him that I forgave him, and asked for his forgiveness. I didn’t get a response, but I called my mom a few days later and she said,” I don’t know what you and your dad talked about but he cried like I have never seen before.” I told her about the conversation and she said thank you.
I knew I had a long road ahead of me but forgiving my father is where it began. I invited my parents, aunt and family to my first Communion. I saw my dad glowing in a way I hadn’t before. He was smiling more and laughing more. While at the Easter Vigil when the choir sung Veni Sancti Spiritus, I heard my dad singing for the first time. I broke into tears, and hit the floor. At that moment a voice came out of me I had never heard before. I was just confirmed into the church and I had heard of the gifts you receive from the Holy Spirit. It was then that God revealed to me my Purpose. I grew up singing in church but I held back a lot and never felt any conviction with what I was singing. When I sing from the heart, I cry and feel naked and exposed. That following week I joined my church choir.
Going through Deliverance helped me to reconnect with my heavenly father as well as my earthly father. Deliverance helped me to realize that no matter what is going on in your life you can be redeemed, and there is Forgiveness. I learned to fight inteligently, and learned what I was fighting. Deliverance not only revealed to me what part of my purpose was, but my whole purpose. I learned how to give up control and surrender to God’s will, and what trust means. Not only was I given great examples, but friends I have met and go to church with are some of the best to date examples of what a redemption looks like.
I have since then given up assuming I know who I am, and started asking God, “who am I?”  And,” what is my purpose?”
It was revealed to me in prayer that God wants me to become a priest. I know some of you are reading this and thinking how can you go from living a homosexual lifestyle to being a priest? Anything is possible with God. I gave up that lifestyle, and became celibate and chaste. I have found freedom in redemption. No one is more worthy of God’s love than the other. If you truly want freedom from whatever vice, or past you can find it. The keys to the chains that bind you were hung on the cross.
I knew at a early age what God’s truth is. My mom made sure I attended church every sunday. The only thing I didn’t fully understand were the consequences. Nothing could prepare me for what I was about to go through living the homosexual lifestyle. Having a close relationship with God has the power to change people, and your heart.

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Pouring Love

Posted on August 22, 2019 by veilofveronica

Pouring Love

My boys kissing their little sister on the head.  2010 – Delaware

But when the kindness and generous love of God our savior appeared, not because of any righteous deeds we had done but because of his mercy, he saved us through the bath of rebirth and renewal by the holy Spirit, whom he richly poured out on us through Jesus Christ our savior… Titus 3:4-6

I have been struggling a lot recently feeling the weight and attack from all sides.  I am raising two teenage boys, and a tween daughter and there are days I feel defeated.  Like I am battling the entire world by myself.  And then God reminds me I have a Savior.

He reminds me that this entire walk is about surrendering all to Him and letting Him be in control.  And that for me, my job when I surrender, is to be filled up with his love and bring that love into the world.

So today I was in prayer lamenting about how the world barrages my children with everything that is anti-God.   From the confusion of who they are supposed to be, to the sexualization of absolutely everything, I felt in an abyss. I felt I am fighting a fight that I can’t win because of the unGodliness is everywhere.  I cannot possibly stop all of it, even though I am trying my hardest.  I felt in a pit.  I want for nothing more than my children to be Godly and there are just some days I feel I am losing the battle because they are bombarded with just so much stuff.  I am not enough.

But God was gracious and gentle with me.  He let me know He is enough.  But he also showed me something very personal.   He showed me one of my absolute darkest times.  He showed me a memory of my post partum depression.   You will remember, this was a time in my life I wanted to die because I couldn’t control the thoughts coming at me.  And what he showed me was how I reacted towards my son when I had a bad thought.  Please remember, I was barraged with thoughts of my child being harmed, or even that I would go crazy and harm him myself.  I couldn’t go in the kitchen where there were knives because the anxiety and thoughts were relentless.  So back then I made a choice with what to do about the thoughts.

I decided every time I had a bad thought I would kiss my son on the forehead.  There were days I kissed him 1000 times.  It was the only thing I could think to do in those moments when I felt so out of control.  And God let me see this today and told me, “Susan, I am proud of you, because in your darkest hours you chose love.  You chose me.  If you think those children of yours won’t receive my blessing from this, then you still don’t know the greatness of who I AM.”

I was astonished that at the lowest of lows, that at my weakest when I felt worthless, the Lord could state he was proud of me.   But I understood why.   And as I sobbed at the memory, I let go and gave all my angst over my children to God.  Because He rescued me from that pit, and He is the Savior of my children and not me.  All He asks me to do is to pour love where I see none exactly in the place I am planted, and let Him take care of the rest.  He reminded me that when I fail to love, which have been plenty of times, he left us confession, and His grace awaits to lift us back up again.  Today was a consolation in a moment when I needed it most.  He reminded me that I do not have to fix everything.  He is the ultimate fixer, the one who heals.

So I act when I can, control what I can control, enlist help when I need help, and give the rest to God.  Lord Jesus, I consecrate this day and everyday, my entire family to your Sacred Heart, that we may become conduits of your love in this broken world.

But the LORD’s mercy is from age to age, toward those who fear him. His salvation is for the children’s children of those who keep his covenant, and remember to carry out his precepts.  Psalm 103:17-18

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Do Whatever He Tells You – Remember the Mystical Body

Posted on August 17, 2019 by veilofveronica

Marten_de_Vos_Cana (1)

 

 When the wine ran out, the mother of Jesus said to him, “They have no wine.”  And Jesus said to her, “Woman, what does this have to do with me? My hour has not yet come.”  His mother said to the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.” John 2:3-5

 

Yesterday we had a retreat in our Diocese to kick off the start of a new Religious Education school year.  We  were blessed to have Dr. Ryan Hanning as our retreat leader.

Doctor Hanning gave us a talk on the Assumption of Mary.  In his talk he said something that dumbfounded me a bit until I thought about it more.  He said Mary knew exactly who she was and what her strengths and weaknesses were.   What had dumbfounded me was that I had never really thought of Mary having weaknesses.  This is because Mary is sinless.  But weakness isn’t sin.  So of course his statement made perfect sense.

I left pondering this all the way home.  Mary was a human being with gifts that God gave her.  It had just never occurred to me that there could be something she wasn’t good at.  Scripture doesn’t tell us everything Mary did, but it tells us enough so that we know she really DID KNOW who she was and what her strengths and weaknesses were.  She knew Joseph could protect her from her own society and she willingly followed his direction to flee to Egypt.

And then I thought about the wedding at Cana.  Here the couple has run out of wine.  Mary, like a good Mother, notices.  What does she do?  She advocates for them.  Because she knows who can fix the situation.  Jesus tells her His hour has not yet come, but she continues with her advocacy and she says, “do whatever He tells you.” 

This statement and Jesus’ response tells us so much.  It tells us she knows who can fix the situation, that Jesus will listen to her, and that Jesus wants our cooperation.  But it tells us even more.  When Jesus says  to the servants to fill the jars with water, we don’t see Mary running to grab a jar and fill it.  The servants are to whom she and Jesus both spoke.   By this action these servants are about to partake in and witness a miracle.  His first miracle.  How many of us today want to do absolutely everything ourselves and be good at all of it?  There was a point in my life where I think I could have pictured myself in this story knocking over the servants to get to the jar to fill it up, all the while I declare “I am doing God’s will!”  But if we cannot include the other members of the Mystical Body in our action to do God’s will and we try to go it alone, we actually aren’t doing what He asks.  In our independant society we actually have a hard time grasping this, and we get jealous and envious when someone else has a skill that we don’t have.  Or even worse, we become ashamed.  But remember, it isn’t a sin to not have a skill, the sin is in the envy of the other who does or getting stuck in the shame of it.

I am going to give you a recent example from my own life.  I am not a good cook.  I also am not great at knowing proper decor for parties.  I have friends who are.  It used to be that if I was going to have people over my family wanted to leave my house.  The yelling and lamenting that took place to get the place clean, find the right napkins, and to cook my one decent meal, ran my family off.  Over time I have realized that while I am hospitable, hospitality in the area of preparing is not something I am actually good at.  It is a weakness.  One day a few months ago I decided to have a dinner party.  My friend, who is excellent at hospitality and decorating for these things offered to come help.  I told her I would get back to her.  I immediately hung up the phone and went into shame mode.  The voices in my head barraging me, “she is a way better cook than you, you can never be that good.  She will see how incompetent you are at doing things.”  I realized rather quickly that I was ashamed and jealous.  So I told those demons of insecurity who spoke to me to go back to the pit of hell in the name of Jesus.  I called my friend and I said, “would it bring you joy to help me?”  I think she actually squealed with glee and loudly proclaimed, “yes, so much it would!”

Once I was able to get over my own weakness, my friend and I were able to collaborate on a great party.  I was way less stressed, and she was in her glory.   The food was great and my table was beautiful.   I smiled inside knowing this is how the Mystical Body should operate.  Where one lacks another can fill up, so long as we get out of the way and allow it.

Mary understood this more than anyone.  She pondered in her heart, which made her know the will of God and conform herself to it. She encouraged others encounter Christ without getting in the way.  She is not in competition with her Son, she brings us closer to Him.  This is why she is our Mother, she only leads us closer to him so our own gifts could be brought out by the glory of God.

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Heaven is for Real and So is Hell

Posted on August 13, 2019 by veilofveronica

ChildrensofFatima

“As Our Lady spoke these last words, she opened her hands once more, as she had done during the two previous months. The rays of light seemed to penetrate the earth, and we saw as it were a sea of fire. Plunged in this fire were demons and souls in human form, like transparent burning embers, all blackened or burnished bronze, floating about in the conflagration, now raised into the air by the flames that issued from within themselves together with great clouds of smoke now falling back on every side like sparks in huge fires, without weight or equilibrium, amid shrieks and groans of pain and despair, which horrified us and made us tremble with fear. (It must have been this sight which caused me to cry out, as people say they heard me). The demons could be distinguished by their terrifying and repellent likeness to frightful and unknown animals, black and transparent like burning coals. Terrified and as if to plead for succour, we looked up at Our Lady, who said to us, so kindly and so sadly: You have seen hell where the souls of poor sinners go. To save them, God wishes to establish in the world devotion to my Immaculate Heart. If what I say to you is done, many souls will be saved and there will be peace.”

Sister Lucia Santos – Seer at Fatima

 

I have had some conversations recently with some people who do not believe hell exists.  They believe in God, heaven and the universe, but not in hell.  The belief is that a good and loving God couldn’t possibly send people to hell for all eternity and that Christ had paid all.  And that in the end all are saved because God is in everything, therefore hell cannot exist.  I know this isn’t true.  I know hell does exist.

Because of these conversations, I felt that God wanted me to contemplate hell.  Not something I would enjoy doing.  Many of you know I have felt God show me an experience of this already.

But I asked God to reconcile it with me;  that He is good and loving, in everything, and that there is a hell.  I told Him I know the teachings of the church and I believe them totally, but could he teach me?  God spoke, “what is the unforgivable sin?”  I answered, “blasphemy of the Holy Spirit.” 

He asked, “what does that mean?”  I answered, “a rejection of God in us at our death, a rejection of your mercy.”  And then God showed me something.  He showed me the Tree of Life and the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.  One the source of divine life, the other, when we make it our source brings death.

And I realized, that though hell is an absence of God, he is still allowing us to exist.   Hell is the absence of God in our own soul, where we forever go if we reject him all the way to death.  But, he really never ever stopped loving us.  If he did, we would cease to be at all.  We would just cease to exist.  God is pure love.  All of existence is created from this love.  

Even in hell His love continues to generate us, because God is a source outside of ourselves.  But he gave us free will as a gift.  And if we are to experience that love, we must receive it from him and not reject it.  We must actually cooperate in our own Salvation, God does not force it on us.  We must not reject God’s mercy.  Love is a choice.  He chooses to love us, but what do we choose?  If we choose to reject Him at our death, he still maintains our existence because He is love, he cannot stop loving, but we, we have rejected the love of our own choice so love is absent within us.  He allows us to experience His absence, He allows us to experience separation from love because it is what we requested.  This is why the children at Fatima said they saw flames that issued from within themselves.  

God is a gentleman.  He never stops loving us.  But He doesn’t force himself on us either.  We have to choose to receive His love.  In this light the existence of hell makes perfect sense.  Hell is what we ask for, and because free will is a gift, we can do with it as we please. We can turn that gift into a gift itself; A gift of ourselves back to God and others, or we can see the gift as our only source instead of seeing the giver and reject the source itself.  And this my friends, is the making of hell.

A couple final thoughts, Sometimes I feel as though the fire of God is the same in heaven or hell, that God is unchanging and his love is like a fire. If we receive it and cooperate with His will we become boldly confident and filled with God’s glory, if we reject it, it burns us with unquenchable fire and suffering.  The difference being our own free will’s choice.

Responsorial Psalm 66 from Mass readings August 14, 2019

Blessed be God who filled my soul with fire.

Lastly, I highly recommend watching this video of one man’s experience of hell.  It is long, but very worth the watch.

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