Dreams, Suicide, and Gregorian Masses

e047_purgatory

“I am the Mother of all the Poor Souls, for my prayers serve to mitigate their sufferings every single hour that they remain there (purgatory).”
-Our Blessed Lady to Saint Bridget

I had another very bizarre dream last night.  It was about my same friend that committed suicide when we were 17, that I have dreamed about before.

In this dream his was grown.  It was strange to see what he looked like as a man, to see what could have been.  He was handsome, but also sad.  We talked about our lives.  I told him about my husband and 3 children.  That’s when his face got really sad.  He told me he had 4 children but he was divorced and never saw them.  I asked him what happened.  He told me that they divorced after the election because he voted for Al Gore and she voted for George Bush and it just really made them fight.  He also mentioned having an alcohol problem, stating that he didn’t drink everyday, but when he did drink he couldn’t seem to stop without getting drunk.  He told me they had tried weekend couples counseling, but in the end it didn’t work.  He showed me pictures of his 4 beautiful children and his ex-wife.

During this whole conversation we were sitting on the side of a grassy hill.  It was weird because a groundhog kept showing up.  He seemed to be friends with the groundhog, like it was his pet.  I was afraid of it because of it’s two protruding teeth, I was afraid of being bitten.

Upon awakening I pondered my dream.  I found it sad to see this boy who had committed suicide at 17 as a man who had children.  It was a stark reminder for me how purposeful death, whether it be by suicide, or abortion, can lead to generations being lost.  I also found it odd that he listed an election as one of the reasons for divorce, and in particular, that election.  That is where I really remember the hatred and vitriol we see so commonly now start to come out in people, as our country was shown to be so divided. His other reason for his divorce was addiction, another thing so common in our day and age.  I honestly have no idea what the groundhog was about.

My mother used to tell me when we were growing up that if you dreamt about a dead loved one, it meant they were in purgatory and needed prayer.  I believe that’s true.  I have dreamt about this young boy several times over the years and I have always prayed for him afterwards.  But it had occurred to me that the greatest prayer offered for those in purgatory is the Mass.  Because of this, my cousin had introduced me to Gregorian Masses.  This is a series of 30 Masses that is said for a soul in purgatory.  Tradition tells us that Pope St. Gregory the Great offered these Masses for the soul of one of his monks that visited him from purgatory.  When Pope Gregory had finished the Masses the monk appeared to thank him for releasing him.   The Masses are offered for one deceased soul (not multiple people) for 30 consecutive days.  Now, please understand, we offer a stipend for a Mass.  These stipends are to take care of the Priest who says the Mass, and in poorer countries in particular this mean a lot.  Plus the stipend is also a sacrificial offering made by us.  Canon 946 tells us how the stipend is for the good of the Church.  Typically in today’s day and age, a Mass stipend is about $10.  This would mean that for a series of 30 Gregorian Masses a stipend could be $300.  Though I have found them for $5 a Mass.  When I had this discussion with Mr. Finance Pants (my husband) he jokingly told me I could take care of those priests and spend $20,000 if it gets him out of purgatory!  I laughed out loud.

All that said, I think I need to have Masses said for my friend.  Particularly when it comes to suicide, I think these are needed.  We have much to pray for these days, let us remember the power of the Mass.  If a Gregorian Mass is out of the question for you for your loved one, just have one Mass said.  The Mass is heaven on earth.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | 30 Comments

Christ the King

 

cross-on-a-mountain

“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking fine pearls, and upon finding one pearl of great value, he went and sold all that he had and bought it.”  Matthew 13:45-46

Today is the Feast of Christ the King.  It’s where we contemplate the paradox of a King who humbled Himself more than any other King, even offering His life for us.  We say, as St. Dismas did,

“Jesus remember me when you come into your kingdom.” Luke 23:42

As I received communion today I came back to the pew and knelt down and closed my eyes. I prayed, “ Lord, make my will one with yours,” and I contemplated Christ the King on the cross.

Suddenly, an image appeared in my head.  It was of a large cross up on a mountain high. But instead of seeing Christ on the Cross, I saw a pearl in the middle of it.  A large shiny beautiful pearl.  The pearl and the cross had a light emanating so brightly from them.  It was beautiful.

I continued to contemplate this when I came home.  Why had this image popped in my head?  What about a pearl?  Then I remembered the verse from Matthew about the merchant and the pearl.  The pearl represented salvation, the kingdom of heaven.  And it was married to the cross, which reached the highest of mountains.

Christ truly is King.  When we pick up our cross and follow Him, when we unite our suffering with Him, we are rewarded with more than the greatest pearls or riches in the world.  We are rewarded with heavenly salvation.  We will come face to face with the love of God, where every tear will be wiped away and joy reigns.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Prayers for a friend

Please pray for a friend of mine who has a child at the same school my son was kicked out of.  Pray they don’t receive the same fate as we did, as it is so hard on the children.  You can read his story here.

Posted in Uncategorized | 12 Comments

The Dark night of my soul

san-damiano-cross-assisi-italy1c

“Francis, rebuild my church.”

Most High glorious God, enlighten the darkness of my heart and give me true faith, certain hope and perfect charity, sense and knowledge, Lord that I may carry out your holy and true command. Amen

The past few months have been extremely difficult for my family.  I won’t go into all the details because it has been written about here, here, and here.  What I will talk about is the spiritual aspect of it, and the aftermath.

It was after months of prayer and adoration that I followed the path I felt the Lord called me to.  We can never be certain that we know the mind of God, but I can, as Thomas Merton says, know that God finds it pleasing when I am trying to do His will.

merton-prayer

I never felt as though I was battling people, but principalities and powers that want to separate families from their proper role in Natural Law.  I pray for all of the people involved.  We ended up with a different trajectory for our lives, something I accepted because I felt the Lord call me on this path.  I can only hope that it was His will, and that He can make straight any mistakes I made along the way.

My biggest heartache was feeling like those in power did not hear my voice (and other parents as well), and did not look at my son as an individual soul.  But I have always known that the church, regardless of the mistakes people inside of it make, is guided by the Holy Spirit, and that the Mass with the Eucharist is the greatest possible gift we could ever receive on this earth.

What I did not expect was what happened to me afterwards for a period of about three days.  I felt hopeless.  I felt despair.  I felt forsaken — a complete absence of love from those in power in my community.  I felt silence from God and I felt like I wanted to leave the church.

“I cry to you, O God, but you don’t answer. I stand before you, but you don’t even look.”  Job 30:20

I never imagined myself there.  I was angry, even raging.  But I knew intellectually, aside from my emotion, that our God is a good God.  That He is the most high sovereign king, and that I knew saying yes to Him would cause suffering.  But the despair was suffocating.

“Even when I cry out and call for help, He shuts out my prayer.”  Lamentations 3:8

Hope became an act of the will for me for these few days.  I have to say, I have talked about that, but I didn’t realize I would experience it so soon.

Nothing I tried worked to lift the despair – adoration, the Rosary, Mass.  I was in an abyss.

“My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest.”  Psalm 22:2

Finally, in an act of pure desperation, I went out to the woods, to have it out with God.  I knew I should be uniting my suffering to His cross, and that great grace can come from that, but instead I raged at Him.

Must you persecute me just as God does, and give my body no peace? Job 19:22

And then I sat quiet, I cried and I listened.  And He spoke to me.  He told me He was showing me the despair of many of His people.  Many inside the church and outside the church.  They have been hurt by others, in His name — sometimes they have been hurt as well.  He showed me that I am to remember this feeling in the months and years to come.  Because we are weak, we are human and  we all killed Christ.   He told me to be a light in the darkness, to help rebuild His church.  He told me to call on the intercession of the Saints, especially the Blessed Mother.  And most of all He told me to pray everyday for my will to be one with His.  When my will is one with His, I can love like He does.  I can forgive like He does.  I can show people the kingdom of God right here.  May God Bless you all.

“I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and your joy may be complete.  This is my commandment: love one another as I love you.  No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.  You are my friends if you do what I command you.”  John 15:11:14

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 39 Comments

The Walking Dead

crucifixion-mantegna-e1403130714790

Crucifixion by Mantegna

One of the criminals who were hanged there was hurling abuse at Him, saying, “Are You not the Christ? Save Yourself and us!” Luke 23:39

Though I do not watch a lot of TV, I did happen to catch a glimpse of the Walking Dead the other night, the season opener.  This was not something I chose to watch, but happened to walk in on.  I try to be very careful what I watch because graphic images are hard to get out of your head.

I do not know the characters.  I just know that the show is about zombies that eat people and the people trying to survive.

So imagine my shock when the scene I walked in on was not about zombies, but showed a man, a leader of a group, brutally murdering another man.  It was so gruesome I had to leave the room from shock.

It got me thinking, aside from the utter brutality the media portrays, which now seems to have a no holds barred assault on decency, and is an article for another day… the Walking Dead are not zombies.  They are people without God.  They are people who remain defiant in their sin as if God should fit their needs, and not the other way around.

Recently I read an article about a Baptist Minister who said God helped her make the best decision to abort her baby.  And another article about how Kermit Gosnell read the bible and concluded he did nothing wrong.

I am not here to judge the souls of these people, but I am here to tell you that each and every human being is dignified and is loved by our awesome God.  When we distort the truth to fit our agenda, we are no better than the bad thief on the cross.  We recognize God and essentially spit in his face, asking him to conform to our agenda instead of the other way around.  There is no surer way to end up separated from the love of God, than to reject human dignity and dehumanize other people.

This lack of understanding of sin, makes people dead inside.  I know, I have felt it when I was mired in sin.  It is not zombies who are walking dead.  It is us, unless we repent and believe in the Gospel.   Peace comes with the light of Christ.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

The coming Isolation and Desolation

light in the darkness

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:5

We have entered into a time of chaos and lawlessness.  Hatred and vitriol are everywhere.  Terror is starting to reign.  Everyone is blaming everyone else.  I know we all fear.  People may decide to stay in their homes, and not go out, for fear of the hatred in the world.  But hiding brings isolation.  Isolation brings desolation.  There is nothing the devil wants more than to bring this desolation to your soul.  Many have already begun feeling desolation.  Trapped in sin of wrath, pornography, addiction, adultery and envy.  Now we have added violence to the mix, a quickening of the isolation.   We are fighting powers and principalities.

For our struggle is not with flesh and blood but with the principalities, with the powers, with the world rulers of this present darkness, with the evil spirits in the heavens. Ephesians 6:12

But what does Christ compel us to do?  He compels us to look at our own soul, to pull the planks out of eyes, and to let him take on our desolation.  He clothes us in righteousness. Shame can be lifted, but only when you recognize your own sins.  If we recognize this truth, repent of our own sins, and are clothed in the love of the Lord we will not feel alone.

I will never leave you nor forsake you. Hebrews 13:5

And when we recognize our sins, repent of them and clothe ourselves with Christ, we can go out.  We can spread love to our neighbor.  We can change the hate.  Pray to your guardian angel to reveal to you those who mean you harm, and those who do not.  Share what you have with others.  Reach out to others in need.  And if there comes a time when hope becomes an act of the will, then ask God to replace your will with His.  If we give mercy to others, mercy is given to us. Remain in truth and love.

Therefore, since we have this ministry through the mercy shown us, we are not discouraged.
Rather, we have renounced shameful, hidden things; not acting deceitfully or falsifying the word of God, but by the open declaration of the truth we commend ourselves to everyone’s conscience in the sight of God.  2 Corinthians 4:1-2

Recognize the Gospel, because it brings life.  Love of this world, of pleasures, of materialism, of status, brings death.  The god of this world is Satan.  Do not fall prey to his divisiveness.

And even though our gospel is veiled, it is veiled for those who are perishing,
in whose case the god of this age has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, so that they may not see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. 2 Corinthians 4:3-4

Jesus Christ is the way, the truth, and the life.  He brings unity of man.  When we walk away from Him we see division.  Be a light in the dark world.

 For we do not preach ourselves but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your slaves for the sake of Jesus.  For God who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to bring to light the knowledge of the glory of God on the face of [Jesus] Christ.
2 Corinthians 4:5-6

And most important.  Do not be afraid.  Our kingdom is not of this world.  It is more important now than ever to walk in the love of Christ and fear not.  For nothing is impossible with God.  Recognize that sometimes what looks like a suffering can actually  be a mercy.  We may lose our comforts but we will not lose the love of God.

Even though I walk through valley of the shadow of death, 
I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Psalm 23:4

And pray without ceasing.  Prayer is how we put on the Armor of God.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 21 Comments

A mother’s heart

two-hearts

I have been fighting a personal battle that was written about here.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | 14 Comments

Angelic Dream

marco_d_oggiono_-_the_three_archangels_-_wga16632

The Three Arch Angels by Marco d Oggiono

For it is written: “‘He will command his angels concerning you to guard you carefully.” Luke 4:10

I haven’t been able to sleep well for the past several weeks.  I toss and I turn, but I never seem to get settled.  Finally, in the early hours this morning I fell asleep.  And I had the most amazing dream.

I was walking down a railroad track that was up on a hill.  There was a road down below it. I was having many anxious thoughts about where I was headed because I was on my way to start a new era in my life and my children’s lives.  Suddenly I looked down on the road and saw what looked to be a homeless woman.  She appeared to be asking for help.

A little leery, but also recognizing the frantic tone of her voice, I went down the hill towards her.  She approached me trying to grab me.  I backed up out of fear.  She stated “please help me.”  Though she was ragged and dirty, she was also beautiful.  She had the bluest eyes and blonde hair.  She was dressed in clothes from another era.  The way she stated “please help me” made me less afraid, and made me have pity.  I said, “I will help you” and I grabbed her to hug her.

Suddenly, there was a buzzing sound in my ears.  Then the sound became clearer, and I could hear the most beautiful heavenly angelic music.  It overwhelmed me and I fell to the ground.  I looked to my right and could faintly see transparent angelic figures, many of them.  I exclaimed, “Oh my God,” in awe.  They kept singing, all the while they stated to me, “WE ARE REAL.”  They were pleased I came to the aid of the woman.  I turned to get up, she was gone and so were they.  Then I woke up.

Upon reflection, I wondered if the woman was a suffering soul in purgatory because of the way she was dressed.  My family and I pray the St. Gertrude prayer every night to release souls from purgatory.  All I really know is that even though I was asleep, it felt real.  And I also know God does send his angels to protect us.  They are real, and they are here now.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | 14 Comments

Suffering for Christ

jbaptistbeheading

The Beheading of John the Baptist

Now I rejoice in what I am suffering for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ’s afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church. Collossians 1:24

Recently, my family and I have undergone what I would describe as intense emotional suffering.  Everyday, I ask the Lord to unite my suffering with His.  Then, over the last weekend in September, my husband and I were invited to a good friends wedding.  I looked forward to the respite from the emotional state I was in to go out of town with my husband to witness this beautiful Sacrament.

We arrived in Indianapolis on Friday night and my husband and I went out to dinner for an uneventful evening.  It was nice to spend time with my husband without the kids.  I have watched him grow in holiness over the years and I love him more each day.

On Saturday morning, when I should have been preparing to get ready for the ceremony, I woke up violently ill.  I was throwing up so much, I was unable to make it to the ceremony. We had to check out of the hotel, so my husband and I decided to try to get me home, a five and a half hour ride.  In the car, I could not stop throwing up.  I was so sick my husband pulled into an urgent care in Louisville, KY to see if they could help me.  They were able to give me a shot to stop the throwing up.  I was able to make it home.

I am telling you this story because something different happened to me during all of this.  All I could think about was how Christ’s suffering on the Cross for us was worse than what I was going through.  I decided I needed to offer this suffering up, something we often say a lot, but I’m not sure if we often mean.  But I meant it from the bottom of my heart.  I picked two personal intentions and offered this suffering up.  I also did not snap at my husband even though my body ached and the car ride was painful.  It was just a word — acceptance.  Like if this is what God has allowed to be sent my way, as all that passes through His hands, than I accept it, I unite my suffering with His, and I offer it up for others.  I have always been a big complainer when it came to being sick.  But here this time, I did not get angry about missing the wedding or at the extraordinary circumstances I found myself in.  It was just unusual for me.  Now, I ask God to help me feel the same about the emotional suffering.

I recorded in my journal when I felt well enough again and was able to get to the chapel.  I think it is a message for all of us, when we trust.

September 26, 2016

Beloved,

Do you know how much I love you?  You console my heart uniting your suffering with the Cross.  I say again — TRUST.  My plan is greater, My humble little one.  The last shall be first and the first shall be last.  I AM the one who makes you worthy.  I gifted My Son for this sole purpose.  I know you mean the words, “Lord, I am not worthy” when you say them.  It is My mercy that will bring you home, little one.  You feel so small, but you have done what I asked which makes you great.  Time will tell and all will be known.  Do not fear.  I am with you always.  I love you and you are mine.  You have totally surrendered your love to me.  When you give me your all, I give you mine.  If I AM for you, no one can be against you.  Fear not.  You are truly beloved. 

Abba

In this time, when there is so much suffering and persecution, let us unite our sufferings with Christ in reparation.  Live the Gospel.  Live love.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 22 Comments

All is well

murillo_esteban_st_francis_embracing_the_crucified_christ

Bartolomé Esteban Murillo – St Francis Embraces the crucified Christ

“If God sends you many sufferings, it is a sign that He has great plans for you and certainly wants to make you a saint.”
–St. Ignatius Loyola

From my journal September 7, 2016

Beloved,

All has passed through my hands.  Why do you trust so little?  Haven’t I shown you my love?  Can you not feel how much I love you?  Your suffering is redemptive.  That bears more fruit than any action you can take.  When you unite your suffering with Christ’s suffering there is so much power.    Do not worry about things you cannot control.  This world is passing away and all is well my little child.  My plan is so much bigger than you. Have peace.  Miracles will abound.  Remain in Me and I will remain in you.  Persecution will be short, endure.  I will give you grace and strength.  I AM with you.

Abba

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments